Trump implies he can’t be into golden showers because he’s a germaphobe

Tuesday night, the internet erupted after BuzzFeed News published a 35-page document full of unverified claims about Donald Trump’s ties to Russia, complete with an anecdote about the president-elect engaging in golden showers. The compiled memos allege Trump could easily be blackmailed by Russia because he paid prostitutes to pee on a bed in a Moscow hotel room once. But, at a press conference Wednesday, Trump implied he can’t be into golden showers because he’s a germaphobe. Rigghhtt.

The documents claim Russian security agents watched Trump engage in “perverted sexual acts” that were “arranged/monitored by the FSB,” Russia’s Federal Security Service (i.e. spy agency). The FSB, the documents said, “employed a number of  prostitutes to perform a golden showers (urination) show in front of him.” He also allegedly stayed in the same room in the Moscow Ritz Carlton hotel President Obama and FLOTUS had previously stayed, “defiling the bed where they had slept.” Seems elaborate for a prank Obama would only ever know about if private memos were leaked to the public.

Regardless, Trump said Wednesday, presumably about the golden shower news, “I’m also very much of a germaphobe, believe me.” That’s asking a lot of us right now, Mr. Trump, but OK, sure.

Obviously there’s nothing wrong with liking golden showers (or any specific sexual act for that matter). And, let’s be honest, we all knew Trump had some secret fetishes. How could a guy like that not?

He naturally claimed the entire 35-page document was fake, saying at the press conference, “It’s all fake news. It’s phony stuff. It didn’t happen. It was gotten by opponents of ours. It was a group of opponents who got together — sick people — and they put that crap together.” He added, “I read what was released and I think it’s a disgrace.”

Since he was already on the subject of Russia, Trump also added that he does think Russia hacked U.S. political organizations during the past year, but said, “We also get hacked by other people,” so NBD.

Back to what’s important here — the president-elect’s golden showers. I’m willing to bet the science on whether or not a germaphobe can enjoy being peed on in bed or watching people pee in bed is inconclusive, but it can’t be impossible. I, along with the rest of America, just really wish Trump had actually muttered the words “golden shower” during the official press conference.