Trump is bringing Kellyanne Conway with him to the White House, so nothing is going to get any better

Every villain needs a few henchmen, and Donald Trump now has two, so he should be good. For now. First, he nominated Steve Bannon as chief strategist, an advisory position in the administration. And as if that wasn’t terrifying enough, Kellyanne Conway will be Trump’s White House counselor. Sure, Bannon is technically a “strategist” and calling Conway a “counselor” sounds super nefarious anyway, but they’re essentially henchmen. Just roll with it.

What a crew. Maybe I’ve just been binge-watching too much of the telenovela-style Jane the Virgin (safely in my bed so I don’t have to face the cruel, cruel world), but I feel like the Trump administration is really rounding out in the most soap operatic of ways. There’s Bannon and Conway, each with one of Trump’s ears and their own motives, the three spoiled children given too much responsibility running the family business, and then Trump — the grotesque, not-too-bright ringleader ready to take over the world. Exxxxcellent.

Conway was a career Republican pollster and former CNN bobblehead before she took over Trump’s campaign super late in the game and steered the ship for the win. She might actually be the mastermind behind a lot of this, so nothing is going to get any better once he gets in the Oval Office if that’s what you were thinking.

For a mastermind, though, she sure is fucking out of her mind. She talks Trump’s policies and Bannon’s white supremacy in so many circles it looks like she might actually believe what she is saying (I’m OK with people selling their souls when it comes to politics as long as they know they’re being terrible.) In fact, a lot of why she’s coming on is this communication “skill.” In a statement, Trump said Conway has been a “trusted adviser and strategist who played a crucial role” in his victory. He added that she has “amazing insights on how to effectively communicate our message.”

Conway said she’s excited about the job and is ready to serve her master, er, Trump and Pence. She said in a statement that she was “humbled and honored to play a role in helping transform the movement [Trump] has led into a real agenda of actions and results.” Time to pop that half a Xanex you keep for emergencies, because this is going to be bad. Because Conway gets results, no matter the cost.

This is a woman who shut down questions about Trump’s sexual assault allegations, said that women wouldn’t “get raped” if they were stronger, and that women with children shouldn’t work in the White House (she has four). She doesn’t believe that the United States already vets immigrants. She has defended every crazy, racist, stupid thing Trump has said. Every. Single. One. All in the name of getting a scumbag like Trump a job.

Despite all of that lunacy, Conway should be feared because she is smart. You can’t bullshit like that if you don’t know what you’re talking about (or maybe if you’re just that delusional, you can; I honestly cannot figure this woman out). Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld were cartoons compared to Conway and Bannon. Be very afraid.