This calendar of naked women posing with carp is obviously something you need

If you’re still wondering what I want for the holidays (so sweet of you), it’s this calendar of naked women holding carp. Like, really large fish. The calendar is made by Germans, which for some reason makes it even more amusing. Is this what people are into over there? The women in the calendar, called the “Carponizer,” are in string bikinis wading around in a lake. But according to the Amazon product description, the attraction is not the semi-nude women, but the fish. And it’s a different fish in each photo, not that I would ever notice the difference.

“Carponizer has once more managed to courageously make every month of the year that little bit more special. Twelve magnificent carp steal the limelight in 2017, accompanied by women who are no less attractive. For this impressive outcome, twelve major carp had to first be carefully caught,” the company wrote in the product description.

This is just too good to be real, but somehow it is. I have one sitting in my Amazon cart right this minute. The description continues,”Two competent caretakers ensured that our scaly protagonists were well taken care of. Of course, it was also important to ensure that our enchanting human models felt as comfortable as possible in both wet and dry scenes.”

The fact that the “protagonists” of the photos is the massive fish and not the women is just delightful.

carp
CREDIT: Amazon

The makers of the calendar, a fishing retailer, claims the calendar is a “must-have” for any true lover of fish and that it makes a “tasteful” gift. I don’t know about tasteful, but it will certainly make a statement to whomever you gift one to.

Hendrik Pöhler, the mastermind behind this beauty, told Maxim last year, “The idea for the calendar was to bring two of the greatest hobbies of men, fishing and women, together. I remember the day when I was fishing with my friend and at the spot next to us were two hot girls fishing. This was the moment I decided to make this fabulous calendar.”

Carp 3
CREDIT: Amazon

It has a 100 percent five star rating on Amazon, and people are pretty stoked about it. Sure, there are some jokesters making fun of the “chubby carp,” but for the most part, everyone wants one. “Grandma will love this! Babes + Carp = Gran’s fav!! Bless you Hendrik Pohler, you saved Christmas!,” one reviewer wrote.

Carp 4
CREDIT: Amazon

Another review says, “Makes you wanna go fishin.” I’m assuming the reviewers are all men, and I will take the liberty now to say: I do not understand men at all if this calendar is enticing them to do anything at all except laugh. Especially because the eyes of the models in every one of the pictures are just SO SAD. Like dead fish sad.

I guess I would be sad too if my modeling career landed me in a lake holding a fucking fish. Let’s just hope they got paid a load of cash.