NASA predicts “extinction-level” event, which we’re hoping happens before January 20, 2017

Dr. Joseph Nuth of NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center claims Earth is due for an “extinction-level” event very, very soon. He’s talking about a possible comet that would totally wipe us out once and for all. The problem? Even if we see it hurtling toward us like we’re all in a Will Smith movie, Nuth told a group of scientists in San Francisco this week “there’s not a hell of a lot we can do about it at the moment.”

A NASA scientist telling us that we’re basically screwed is really the perfect way to sum up 2016. He’s basing his prediction on the fact that extinction-level events usually happen about 50 to 60 million years apart. The last one we know about was the comet that wiped out dinosaurs 65 million ago, so we’re overdue for total annihilation.

Nuth reminded his peers at the annual meeting of the American Geophysical Union that there was a “close encounter” in 1996 with a comet that ended up hitting Jupiter. In 2014, Nuth said another one was in “cosmic spitting distance” of Mars (this guy really has a way with words, huh?). NASA learned about that comet almost a year in advance, but that wouldn’t be enough time to launch a deflection spacecraft if it were headed for Earth, since it takes about five years to launch a spacecraft.

Nuth said that NASA, if properly funded, could cut that five-year time line down to about two years, but said it would be a “hail Mary pass” if there was really a comet coming. Our extinction really depends on when NASA can spot the thing barreling towards the planet.

Nuth wants NASA’s Planetary Defense Office (what a name!) to be able to build a rocket that could be in storage, but ready to launch, that we could whip out in case of a comet. It’s like having a plunger in the bathroom — you don’t always need it, but when you need it, the situation is dire. Nuth said having a rocket on hand “could mitigate the possibility of a sneaky asteroid coming in from a place that’s hard to observe, like from the Sun.” A sneaky asteroid. Seriously, I want to ask Dr. Nuth on a date, because he’s cracking me up.

Listen, I want to defend the planet as much as the next person, but I have to get very, very real here for a minute: would it be that bad if a comet took out the planet?

Rising student loan interest rates, Donald Trump, and genocide in Aleppo aren’t all the same thing, but when you tally them up on a scale of how much humans have been sucking since forever… maybe it’s time to cut our losses. Just saying.

How about this: if the comet is going to INSTANTLY take us all out, I say we just let it roll. If we have to do a whole scorched Earth, Walking Dead-type survival thing… let’s get Nuth that rocket. Because I’m just not made for that shit. Cool? Cool.