Gwyneth Paltrow’s “G. Spotting” app is allegedly just travel recommendations

At this point, it’s hard to tell if Gwyneth Paltrow is just trolling herself or if she really, really believes in what she does. The newest installment of unsolicited advice from the actress comes in the form of Goop’s new travel app, which is quite possibly the Goop-iest thing ever. Where to begin? Oh, I know — the name. Yes, Paltrow’s travel app is called “G-Spotting,” which means nothing at all, but might make uptight, wealthy women who steam their vaginas feel a little naughty when they recommend it to friends.

Actually, it would be kinda cool if Goop’s travel app was g-spot centric and focused on helping its users find good sex shops, parties, burlesque shows, and fun sex-related activities all over the world. Then the name would make sense. Alas, it is just an app name that begins with the same letter as its parent company.

Or is it supposed to call up images of vagrants hanging down by the train tracks, tracking train numbers and their arrival times while possibly also doing drugs? Again, it would be a lot cooler if it were, because as it stands, this app is just full of travel advice from Gwyneth Paltrow and her friends, and no one has time for that noise.

Listen, I don’t want to rail on someone just trying to run their business, but there’s something about this G-Spotting app that is just so Gwyneth. And Gwyneth needs to be told to just be quiet now and again. The app, according to it’s official description, offers “in-depth and authentic guides” to cities like New York, Paris, London, Hong Kong, and Nashville, among others. In Hong Kong, it offers up a 5-star hotel you just must see.

“The general thesis is that life is really too short to settle for a subpar meal or experience — particularly when you’re spending your precious vacation time and might never get a chance to visit a place again,” Goop’s communications VP, Noora Raj Brown, told Travel+Leisure. “That said, we also built our apps for locals who are looking for a new spot to try for dinner in an unfamiliar neighborhood, or need a recommendation for something like a colonic or a detox center.” Ah, yes, a colonic is always the first stop on my travels.

The app also includes Detroit, where it recommends a community art center, and L.A., where it lists a taco truck as a must-eat location, so the 1 percent can feel like they’re connecting with actual human beings. Reese Witherspoon offers her “authentic” tips for getting around Nashville. And what local doesn’t recommend the liquid nitrogen cocktails in Madrid?

Really, though, if you have a shit-ton of money, eating at Michelin restaurants and going to spas is probably a lot of fun. What’s so ridiculous is Paltrow trying to tell us that she’s “authentic,” when she is nothing of the sort. She lives on an entirely different planet than the rest of us.

Nothing is “sub-par” in Paltrow’s world, except possibly the rest of us who are just living in it, trying to figure out why anyone needs a detox center on their vacation.