Dwayne Johnson and Lin-Manuel Miranda came together to make a musical mocking millennials
Even though you can’t afford to actually see Hamilton, you’ve probably heard that Lin-Manuel Miranda is a genius. If you needed some IRL proof of his talent, though, all you need is 15 minutes and YouTube to watch Dwayne Johnson and Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Millennials: The Musical, a satirical (but all too real) take on modern love. It starts with Crystal, a millennial girl who looks like she just stepped out of the sale rack at Urban Outfitters on her way to a Bumble date. But she lost her phone and doesn’t know how to live without it because, let’s be honest, who does?
Luckily, her neighbor Jack (who I embarrassingly developed a crush on halfway through the video) is there to help. Jack uses a flip phone, is an accountant, and actually carries real maps around in his pocket to get around the city. Over the course of the night, he reveals what libraries are for and she teaches him that plans made over drinks in Brooklyn will never actually happen.
It’s a classic tale of modern love as the two retrace Crystal’s steps all over New York City to find her phone. First stop? The startup she works for that’s developing an app to help users do basically everything but has no actual business plan. Then a juice bar called Transcendence, where her guru DJ Downward Dog makes Jack a quinoa smoothie that tastes like a “dumpster fire filled with sadness.” It gets even better from there.
After a few dance numbers, the two head to an EDM club where Jack takes “artisanal aspirin” to make the music sound better. Once they dance it out on drugs and chill with Crystal’s friends, the polyamorous Harmony and Hydrogen (best known for waking up naked on a beach in Ibiza after Burning Man), the cell-crossed lovers head up to the roof. They’re just about to get it on when Crystal hears her phone buzzing. She must have left it there the night before, because it’s not a night in Brooklyn if you don’t end up on a fucking roof (I’m so ashamed I know this).
She has 108 text messages and can finally go on her Bumble date, breaking Jack’s poor, normal dude heart.
This is when it gets really good, I swear. Crystal’s Bumble match, Mason, who obviously wears a stupid hat, wants to go straight to Netflix and chill, but he’s happy to buy her a PBR first, because of course he is. But then he turns into just another jerk in a fedora, calling her out for not looking like her profile picture and for knowing who DJ Scumfrog is. You can be cool, but not too cool, Crystal.
“Whatever Lena Dunham,” he says before exiting stage left. Sick burn, Mason.
The show finishes with Jack and Crystal singing a duet (that oddly sounds like “Little Town” from Beauty and the Beast, but you can just pretend I didn’t say that) about how they’re going to change their ways. Jack gets a henley, straight jeans, and an iPhone. Crystal commits “millennial suicide” and realizes that true love isn’t about hashtags, but, well, actual love. In an ultimate compromise, Jack’s ready to make his debut on her Instagram and appreciate “dank memes,” and they live happily ever after.
It’s so on point it hurts.