Well, penis eyeliner is a thing people are doing now

If you really want to be on trend this holiday season, you should get into penis eyeliner, which is how all the cool kids are doing up their eyes these days apparently. Once you see it, you won’t be able to stop looking, or decide if it’s absolutely genius or just fucking ridiculous. It’s a fine line.

In case you’re confused, penis eyeliner is not makeup to contour a man’s penis, although I’m guessing that exists out there in the world somewhere (I refuse to Google this for you; you’re on your own with this one). No, penis eyeliner is women drawing penises on the edges of their eyes — one side has two little (sometimes hairy) balls and the other the shaft and head. Just like IRL, the length and width vary.

It all started with 19-year-old Asia Brautigam, who told BuzzFeed she wanted to “joke around about the creative and artistic eyeshadow looks” she sees all over the web. And good on her, because the amount of makeup tutorials and shit people do with with their makeup is truly overwhelming. So she drew penises on her lids, posted it to Twitter, and the rest is history. She said she did it more out of envy than making fun of makeup artists. “I think they’re all creative and amazingly talented!” she told BuzzFeed. “My dick-liner will never compare!”


One woman used gold glitter and promised to make it her everyday look.


Some even take it to a whole new level.


If you don’t want to wear a teeny tiny penis on your face, there are lots of other ways to incorporate cock into your makeup routine. Makeup artist Mimi Duong posted a tutorial on her Tumblr page in September showing how she contours her face with penises. She calls it the “hoes contour and highlight routine.” It’s actually quite simple.

Basically, you draw dicks on all the highlight spots and then somehow, miraculously, blend them in. So you’ll know you have penises on your face, but no one else has to see them, which I think is a good thing. Blending in a cheek-size penis to brighten up your face is one thing — making everyone look at tiny, hairy balls on your face is an entirely different story.

If you choose to incorporate dick into your makeup routine, more power to you. If you actually walk into work or in public with that on your face, you’re my hero.