‘Glop’ is the Goop parody book we all needed

If you’re among the many, many humans who hate-read Goop, you’ll be psyched to know that GLOP is the Goop parody book you’ve been hoping for.

Writer Gabrielle Moss had the idea for the book after she’d written about Gwyneth’s vaginal steaming ritual and clearly had a lot more to say about the cult of Goop.

The book, which comes out on December 3, is even more outrageous and bizarre than the original Gwyneth Paltrow guide, and that’s no easy feat. And before you say that no one even likes Goop and its many $100 smoothie recipes, remember that Goop is a freaking empire that has cookbooks and is its own a lifestyle brand, so people are into it. I’m not sure if the people who are into Goop are real people who feel like failures, or perfect specimens who love reveling in their own superiority, but either way, it has been a massive success. And that is what makes Gabrielle’s book such a delight.

The book features tips on detoxes, like the Raw Raw Honey Detox, which is designed to result in “your urine [becoming] a viscous golden rope” at the end of the week, and also advises that if you can’t do any of the suggested detoxes, to just get your assistant to do them for you. Sound advice.

It also has similarly valuable chapters like, “Choosing the right Shaman to bring on your family vacation” and “How to source the freshest bones for your bone broth, “legally.”

If you’re more into (fake) beauty tips, you’ll find plenty of them in chapters like “3 Amazing skin products you should have started using 10 years ago and now it’s way too late for them to make any kind of difference.” And you can feel free to keep the book in your crappy apartment while reading chapters called, “Decor I would never personally buy, but maybe it would look nice in your smaller home?”

The book is truly a breath of fresh air for anyone who can’t afford $9,000 Oxygen tanks from Fiji, and probably even for the people who can.

Anyway, if anyone needs me, I’m going to lean-in hard to chapters like, “10 must-see TED Talks to expand your horizons without every leaving your sensory deprivation chamber.” I don’t have access to a sensory deprivation chamber, but I feel like I could make a few calls and figure something out. Or just wrap myself in a lot of blankets.

 

Tags: book, glop, goop