This teen is convinced she’s pregnant with the baby Jesus. Yes, really.

There are a lot sexually active teens out there who basically do the happy dance when they find out they’re not pregnant. But not everyone is so thrilled — like this teen who’s convinced she’s pregnant with baby Jesus. Yes, as in the man Christians believe to be the son of God. Haley, 19, went on Dr. Phil to tell the world she believes she is just days away from giving birth to the second coming of Christ. It’s a little early, since his birthday is supposed to be on Christmas, but Haley thinks she’s just over a week away from her due date.

 

Dr. Travis Stork, an ER physician and one of the talking heads on The Doctors, was called in to do an ultrasound. He told Dr. Phil that he looked good and hard for a baby, any baby, not even Jesus. “There’s no baby,” he said, trying to keep a straight face.

Haley swears she can feel it kicking and turning around in her stomach. Dr. Stork explained that sometimes you can’t see a baby with an ultrasound until after five or six weeks, but there’s no way Haley is giving birth anytime soon. “The most notable thing on this ultrasound isn’t what we see, it’s what we don’t see,” he added, to make sure everyone could hear that there’s no baby Jesus or any fetus at all in her stomach. “She is a little bit distended,” Stork said, “and we talked about that.” That’s it.

But Haley cannot be convinced that she’s not carrying a child. “I know my pregnancy is real. I’ve gained at least 22 pounds,” says Haley. “I was sleeping one night and my baby punched the bottom of my stomach and kicked me, and I can feel his head right here, right below my belly button,” she told Dr. Phil. She’s taken numerous pregnancy tests and has even been fighting with her mother and sister about it. They are not amused by this at all.

Stork tried to drop some science on her about the dilated loops of bowel that might have been playing tricks on her mind. “What that means is there is some air in your intestines, and when [the ultrasound technician] was moving the probe, those little loops move around. When you have felt down there and you have felt something moving, that was just your bowel moving,” he said.

Haley responded, “I’m sorry, Dr. Stork, but you can’t lie to Jesus. You can stick me with all the Depo shots that you want to, but he is not going to die. And you can stick that little ultrasound up your ass.” That sort of response is fitting, especially because she also thinks that rapper Eminem is her father (the fact that a 19 year old knows Eminem is in and of itself a miracle). Dr. Phil previously tried to show her pictures of Eminem’s actual daughter and she still doesn’t buy it. “That’s another human being, that’s not you,” Dr. Phil said. “Who knows how many children he has,” Haley responded.

Haley also believes she was on American Idol because she saw someone on TV that looked like her on the show.

But seriously, don’t laugh, because although her mother calls her a compulsive liar, her sister, Adrianna, says they both had to live on the streets alone as children and are the victims of sexual trauma. “When we were kids, we were sexually molested and abused and I started getting the proper treatment that I needed, and I feel like if Haley could come to reality, and stop living in a fantasy world, and be honest with herself and others, I feel like she could be where I’m at,” Adrianna said.

In addition to that, Haley said she was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic (which would explain her belief that she is the mother of God), but Dr. Phil found her medical records and reminded her that no such diagnosis was ever made.

“I’m not saying it’s wrong; I’m just saying it’s not written down,” he told her. Truer words have never been spoken.