How to sext once the peach emoji no longer looks like an ass

Sexting aficionados, it’s time to hold a memorial for the peach emoji, long the symbol of a perky butt. Apple announced that it will begin using the updated Unicode emoji sometime before the end of the year, but you’re going to have to figure out how to sext without the peach emoji, because the new peach looks much more like a peach. Or does it? The new one is more spherical and the crease is on the side — if you tilt your head and will yourself to see an ass, you can find one. It’s just bigger and rounder. People sort of flipped their lids on social media when they saw the announcement, even though there was some good news about getting face palm, shrug, and even crossed fingers emoji in the iOS 10.2 update.

It’s sad to see Kim Kardashian’s fave emoji go. One Twitter user lamented that the peach butt was the closest he came to ever seeing nudes. And there’s something about that older peach emoji that seemed like a compliment, whereas there’s no way you could bounce a quarter off of the new one. But people are resilient and dedicated sexters will surely get through this tough time of transition by applying new meanings to other innocuous images (because seriously, guys, I’ve never understood the eggplant/penis thing).

There must be new emoji coming that some genius will notice suggest sex. I mean, who really sexts with emoji anyway? Anytime I’ve been sent an emoji to suggest something a little naughty all I could do was laugh. Like, really, an eggplant? Sexting is a little ridiculous over all and adding little cartoons sort of makes it worse. I don’t think I’ve ever been turned on by an emoji. If you love sexting emoji, I’m sorry about your butt. But there are others you can try to start getting steamy.

Use your hands

Any combination of the various hand emoji can be used to get things going, just be explicit about where you want to put them. Never underestimate the spanking hand.

Set the mood

I mean beer and wine is great, but nothing screams sex like a good scotch.

Keep it on the DL

It’s never guaranteed, but you should explicitly say to whomever you’re sexting that everything is going to stay on the DL and no one should be taking screenshots or sharing the video you made out of the kindness of your horny little soul. You can use an evil monkey covering it’s face or a smiley with no mouth to suggest keeping a secret.

Bring up some tongue action

Tongues are always good, but they can be misinterpreted. Try the standalone tongue if you want to tell someone to talk about going down.

Getting to the end

If you’re signifying to your partner that you came with a whale spouting water out of it’s blow hole, I just don’t think you’re ready for sex. Go for the water drops instead and keep it classy.

Remember to not get too punny

Nothing is worse than trying to figure out what the person wants to do while sexting. So get creative, but make it as easy as possible so you don’t ruin the mood.

Farewell sweet peach emoji, but we’ll be just fine without you.

Tags: apple, emoji, sexting