This woman wrote an amazing rejection letter to an unsolicited dick pic
As women who spend any time online know, social media is a sexual harassment minefield full of creepy advances, gendered slurs, and unsolicited dick pics. So many unsolicited dick pics. Now, one woman’s dick pic rejection letter can help us spell out exactly how little we want pictures of random penises.
Sarah-Louise Jordan, who lives in England, wrote the letter in response to a stranger sending her a photo of his junk on Facebook. The photo was accompanied with the solo word “hi,” which may have been the sender’s way of keeping it classy. Chicks love it when guys can do words real good and stuff. Instead of putting him on blast in a more conventional manner, however, Jordan went for a more measured approach: writing a formal rejection letter to his penis.
Although the letter was originally written and posted in June, it recently went viral thanks to an accreditation battle involving Jordan. “A comedy club had used it to promote an event of theirs without crediting me,” she told Mashable, “and my friends went to the mattresses for me until I got an acknowledgment… From there, it was shared on Twitter and everything happened at once.”
The letter itself offers a comprehensive guide to proper penis presentation in polite society (hint: pants) as well as tips on how not to be such a giant douchebag in future interactions.
Of course, that’s not how Jordan put it. Instead, she opened the letter with:
Thank you for the unexpected and unsolicited submission of your penis portrait for our consideration. We regret to inform you that it has failed to pass our most basic standards of quality control at this time.
However, for a nominal fee we can offer you a report that will help you change that.”
According to the letter, the points contained in said report include:
- Why genitals are not an acceptable conversation opener (a step-by-step guide to saying hello)
- How to appear as though you weren’t raised by wolves
- Better ways to deal with your sexual frustration
- How to dress your penis for social media (a rough guide to pants)
Jordan also provides an opportunity for the pic sender to find out why his penis “fail[ed] basic standards of quality control,” and lets him know that future dick pics will receive “an inventive critique of your pride & joy AND a surprise consultation with your closest available family member about your portfolio.” Such a nice way to say “I’m telling your mom if you do this again, asshole.”
It’s truly an inspirational piece of writing, and even better when you read it in the voice of Maggie Smith as the Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey. If only we could all be so eloquent when faced with surprise wang.