Hello attack of the tiny raccoon hands, aka the creepiest thing these animals have ever done

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. I’m sorry, I can’t stop squealing and running the hell away from this terrible, tiny raccoon hand video. It’s terrifying. It’s actually part of my worst nightmare (which also includes reptiles and squirrels, because seriously, squirrels are so weird). Although, it’s sort of hard to look away.

This video features a woman on her deck — I always knew deck slats were dangerous! — and she’s putting food down and these little creepy, tiny raccoon hands are just coming up through the cracks, grabbing at whatever they can get. Whether it’s food or your ankle so they can drag you down to their under-the-deck lair and… make you the raccoon queen? (I don’t know how this nightmare ends, there are so many morbid and weird possibilities.)

There’s nothing funny about a mammal just lurking under your deck, coming out only at night, with long-ish arms and tiny, almost human-looking hands. I know that tiny hands is, like, a joke these days because everyone makes fun of Republican nominee Donald Trump for having a minuscule pair. In fact, the tiny hand punchline isn’t funny because it’s a dig at his masculinity; it’s funny because he’s creepy AF, too.

I’m sorry but you have to see this.

I do have some more questions about the making of this video. Like, who discovered the raccoons under the deck? There are a lot of them. Who walks out onto the porch, sees a bunch of tiny, human-like hands coming up through the deck and doesn’t run away because there are obviously zombies living under the foundation of your house? Who goes back and decides to bring them lunch? People are lunatics.

So are raccoons, apparently. I guess if you squint really hard and aren’t a big baby like I am, they could be cute. Apparently, raccoons also like Doritos, so at least I have something in common with them. In fact, they generally have no shame about wanting food, which makes me want to like them. But after watching those hands, I can’t. I’m sorry tiny raccoon hands, I can’t love you.

Here’s me, sleeping with the lights on for a week lest any tiny, terrible (have I told you how tiny and terrible they are yet?) raccoon hands come for me.