Former Brangelina bodyguard claims he “fathered” their 6 kids in major diss to Pitt

Don’t worry, we haven’t forgotten about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s divorce, and if you need a gossip fix, this should do it for you. In a new interview, Brangelina’s former bodyguard claims he “fathered” their kids. No, he didn’t father them in the biological sense, but he seems to believe he had a large part in shaping their tiny minds. According to Mark Billingham, the former SAS officer and Brangelina protector, his main job was making sure no one kidnapped Maddox, 15, Pax, 12, Zahara, 11, Shiloh, 10 and 8-year-old twins, Knox and Vivienne. “The biggest concern for them was the kidnapping of the kids, it’s all about money. Angie and Brad are very worried about who goes near the children,” he told the U.K. tabloid The Sun.

Hasn’t he ever seen a Liam Neeson movie? Those fears are legit AF. The family also had real stalkers, “Billy” (as he is known to those in the know or who read Us Weekly) said. There were stalkers in Chicago and New York that he had to “deal with.”

He also had to “deal” with the Jolie-Pitt kids because Angelina did not think he would kidnap them. “We got very close, I was living with them all the time. I could take the kids anywhere I wanted to on my own,” he said.

“No one else was allowed to do that,” Billingham explained. “Even when I wanted to bring in extra people, they wouldn’t let any of those near the kids. They could look out for them from a distance but they couldn’t physically touch them. I took them swimming. I fathered them, basically,” Cunningham added. Is that a burn on Pitt I hear?

Well, good for him. I sort of don’t doubt that the bodyguard spent a lot of time with the kids. Pitt and Jolie are very busy people, and what’s the point of having burly bodyguards if they won’t actually take your kids off your hands for a good portion of the day? If I were rich and famous, I might have children just to hand them over to a nanny or someone else I paid to do things for me. That’s the whole point of being an A-List celeb in my book. Sorry, not sorry.

Cunningham doesn’t seem to be whining about his “fatherhood” duties though. He’s promoting a new show called SAS: Who Dares Wins, airing in the United Kingdom. It’s a survival show for contestants in the Ecuadorian jungle, which sounds terrible. Cunningham wasn’t afraid to throw Pitt some shade in that department, either. “Brad wouldn’t last long because he wouldn’t have any cream to put on his face. It would be too sweaty and uncomfortable for him. He’s too pretty! But Angie could do it. She’d probably be the only one with balls at the end.”

So Cunningham says that Pitt has no balls and that he didn’t take care of his own kids. If I were Pitt, I’d have my new bodyguard kick that dude’s ass.