People are convinced Pamela Anderson poisoned Julian Assange with vegan food

From the Department of Totally Normal Things Happening in This Reality, some people are accusing Pamela Anderson of poisoning Julian Assange with vegan food. Anderson, a supporter of Assange’s work with Wikileaks, brought him lunch and some snacks at his hideout in the Ecuadorian embassy in London as a show of solidarity. The food she provided was all vegan, in keeping with her vegan lifestyle.

Most people would be grateful for the thought that went into a free lunch, whether or not they actually liked the food. Assange, however, is not most people. As Anderson informed the U.K. Press Association, he characterized her gift of vegan food as “torture.” Super classy.

The conspiracy theories started the next day, when WikiLeaks sent out three weird tweets with the phrase “pre-commitment,” the names of important people or places, and strings of alphanumeric characters. Supporters began to speculate that the tweets were triggered by Assange’s death, which in turn gave rise to claims that Anderson had used the food to poison him on behalf of Hillary Clinton. Although Wikileaks has confirmed that Assange is still alive and has stated that the tweets are just contingency plans following the disconnection of his internet by “a state party”, his more suspicious fans aren’t buying it. As Twitter user @MyWhiteNinja wrote, “Don’t trust unconfirmed reports of Assange being alive. The Clinton machine is capable of body doubles.” Can’t argue with that logic.

I can see why the Assangeites are upset. After all, freedom of information is at stake!

OK, some of the information Assange is sharing with the world may not be entirely legit and has been shown to come from fake news websites, while other documents released by Wikileaks contain damaging and dangerous private details about ordinary people — including names of teenage sexual assault victims, and the name of a gay man living in a country where homosexuality incurs the death penalty. And that information is released by an organization run by an alleged rapist which posted (but quickly deleted) a tweet full of anti-Semitic and neo-Nazi terminology. Hooray for freedom!

Not that this would excuse attempted murder if it happened, but I think we can agree Anderson isn’t a spy/assassin tasked with getting rid of Assange. For starters, what kind of spy would stop to pose for press photos? Also, if you were trying to poison someone, why would you ever publicly admit to bringing them lunch? The least the “Clinton machine” could do is find someone who’s better at espionage, especially when dealing with such a shady shitlord. Or at least someone who’ll keep Assange supplied with non-vegan food.