The next president could be a man who appeared in 3 softcore porn Playboy videos

Donald Trump is a clown. He’s branded himself that way. He made himself a character in American pop culture by showing up all the time way before he took his crazy pills and started suggesting President Obama wasn’t American. He’s a recurring character on WWE wrestling, gave interviews with Howard Stern, and had his own reality TV show. He also made cameos in porn — Trump appeared in three softcore porn movies in the ’90s, so it’s possible our next president will be someone who has made a cameo in three pornographic movies that you could order on like, Cinemax (does Cinemax even exist anymore?).

I’m not clutching my pearls here. There is nothing wrong with starring in porn and you know what? There’s an argument I could get behind after a few pitchers of cheap Happy Hour sangria that maybe America needs a president that once starred in porn.

But it would have to be a lot of cheap sangria, because a presidential candidate making a cameo in porn, fully dressed, and pouring champagne on a woman is absolutely not something a leader of America should be doing. This is not Italy and we do not need a Silvio Berlusconi (that didn’t go well for them; Italy is falling apart). A president should know about laws, read newspapers, possibly speak a second language, and — may I say it? — respect women.

It’s hard not to sound like a prude when talking about why it’s kind of disturbing that Trump made three cameos in softcore porn. And they’re sort of harmless. In the 1994 “Playboy Centerfold,” Trump is taking pictures of models. Another from 2000 has him popping champagne with “Darlene and Carol,” who “bare their sex appeal and lead you on a sensual journey of discovery.” The third is from 2001 (that was not that long ago, everyone), where he is backstage at a fashion show with two Playmates and his then-girlfriend and possible first lady Melania Knauss.

It’s not the porn part that gets me. It’s more that Trump really seems to believe that the American dream is, in the immortal words of Jay Z, all about money, cash, and hoes. It’s one thing if a musician, comedian, or some tool at a sports bar wants to talk about and treat women like objects and brag about how much “pussy” they get and how much money they have. Not every man can be as noble as Matt McGorry (har, har), but a president should have a little class, or at least be thinking two steps ahead and hire a staff that knows how to wipe those old videos from the internet before a Buzzfeed news team digs them up.

I mean, really. Even Hillary Clinton allegedly had some guy smash her Blackberry with a hammer.

It’s also not even good porn. It’s cheesy, softcore, terrible porn. Ronald Reagan was a celeb, but he was at least a classy celeb. Trump is, as The Atlantic put it so well in its endorsement of Hillary Clinton, a “huckster.” He’s not even A-List. The depths that he’ll sink to for attention is disturbing. The fact that this man floated the idea of bringing up Bill Clinton’s extra marital affairs to trash his opponent and thinks it’s just fine to talk about a woman’s weight as a problem (even though he once pretended to be someone else to talk about his sex life in the third person, sold mail-order steaks, and starred in terrible porn you could buy on VHS) is absurd.

That he’s made it this far says something about America. I don’t know just what, but maybe we deserve him in the Oval Office, popping bottles like he’s in a bad music video from 1998.