NASA just changed all the astrological signs, in case y’all forgot who runs the star game

Over 2,000 years ago, a group of petty Greek scholars sat around swirling their wine goblets as they gave collective birth to the zodiac and thus created our star signs. But now, in a move that will undeniably alter the spiritual paths of astrology lovers everywhere, NASA has changed the astrological signs, because apparently science informs the placement of stars. For the past 2,000 or so years the earth has been wobbling due to the Sun and Moon’s gravitational pull, which has in turn affected our relationship with the stars (the Sun and Moon are jealous lovers). Because of this, with the updated astrology chart, nearly 85 percent of us now have different signs, and a 13th sign has been added bearing the oppressively ancient sounding name Ophiucus.

Do you feel as if your paradigm has shifted with the placement of the stars? Whether your relationship to astrology is merely cursory or developed to a social science of “avoiding” certain signs, this new development will at least shift your interactions with traveling musicians at public parks. For those of us who previously had heavily criticized signs (Geminis, Scorpios) this might serve as the final saving grace that proves it means nothing. Really, we give you weird vibes because of who we fundamentally are as people, not the ever-shifting placement of the stars.

Check out the list below to see if your sign has shifted, or if you are now the dramatic and mysterious Ophiuchus.

Regardless of your level of emotional attachment to astrology it’s important to remember that NASA is forever the king star-whisperers, and if we’re going to seriously invest portions of your identity and emotional processing to astrology, we should continue to support NASA as they explore the stars through scientific research.

It is fascinating to consider the movement of our lives in relation to star placement, and now, with the updated signs, to retroactively consider the ways in which it’s easy to place faith and meaning in a zodiac mapped out by strangers thousands of years ago.

If nothing else, the updated signs remind us that astrology, like many modes of spirituality, can playfully shift itself as a tool for understanding and social navigation. Also, NASA will always have the knuckle-fisted clench on what’s actually happening in the outer stratosphere, so we should probably be nicer to our scientists so they don’t puppet-master us into all falling under a mysterious 14th sign named “Chumpicus.”