Hillary Clinton has pneumonia and Republicans are obsessed with a woman’s health for the first time ever

Increasingly desperate Republican nominee Donald Trump and his equally desperate supporters are unable to offer legitimate criticisms of Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton, or run anything vaguely resembling an issue-based campaign and it’s essentially making them act like a bunch of dicks. Like, more than usual. So, recently, they’ve begun resorting to spreading lies about her health and physical ability to lead a nation (I’m sure this has nothing to do with sexist perceptions of women as the frailer, weaker sex!), literally going so far as to circulate a heavily edited video in which Clinton appears to be having seizures. So when Clinton, diagnosed with pneumonia, had to leave a 9/11 memorial ceremony early, surely you can imagine what followed. Frankly, the only thing more fascinating than the fact that some people actually believe Clinton is hiding some huge, secret illness is the fact that Republicans are now suddenly interested in a woman’s health.

On Sunday afternoon, The Guardian reported that Clinton “abruptly left” the memorial in downtown Manhattan and left in a black van for her daughter’s apartment. Her campaign told the press that the Democratic candidate felt “overheated,” and later, Clinton’s doctor stated that Clinton had contracted pneumonia Friday, and on Sunday felt overheated due to dehydration. Clinton’s doctor released a statement later on Sunday telling the world the candidate was “re-hydrated and recovering nicely.”

But of course, it was already too late. #HillarysHealth almost immediately took off on Twitter, and while the thread boasts plenty of memes mocking the Republican obsession with Clinton’s health, it’s also home of conspiracy theory after conspiracy theory.

For all their ~patriotism~ and calls to focus on the War on Terror™, you’d think Trump and Republicans would express more interest in what 9/11 is all about (many, many pictures of rescue dogs, obvs), rather than Hillary Clinton feeling a little under the weather, but nah. But can you blame them when Hillary “A Few Coughs From The Grave” Clinton is running around New York “knowingly giving pneumonia” to children?!

That. Bitch.

Anyway, Republicans are hella into women’s health all the time. They stay giving a fuck about lady bodies. Example: Trump and his party are all about defunding Planned Parenthood, expressing zero interest in the more than 270,000 Pap tests, more than 360,000 breast exams, and more than 4.2 million tests and treatments for sexually transmitted infections, (including more than 650,000 HIV tests) it performs every year. See? They care what we’re doing with our bodies, just, ya know, not what happens to our health. Don’t worry about the math.

Additionally, claims that obsession with Clinton’s health is well-meaning and rooted in genuine concern closely parallel conservatives’ obsession with abortion safety. I know it sounds like I’m reaching awfully hard, but just think about it, and also conservatives love a good long reach to make a point, so I’m really doing my part to find common ground right now. We know, and they know, there’s nothing wrong with Clinton and her health is in no way at risk through her campaigning and potentially becoming POTUS. And yet, being the medical experts they are, according to Trump and his supporters she’s literally about to die.

Similarly, overly zealous restrictions placed on abortion clinics to “protect” women’s safety, which run contrary to medical experts’ findings that reveal abortion is one of the safest procedures out there, are actually rooted in personal religious vendettas against it. These restrictions have contributed to handfuls of clinics around the nations shutting down, and in some cases, lack of access to abortion endangers women’s lives, but I have yet to hear of any Republican lawmaker giving a shit about this.

Women’s health and safety mean nothing to Trump and most of his party unless they can in some way advance their agenda through pretending to be concerned.

A couple weeks ago, Rudy Giuliani has literally told people to “go online and put down ‘Hillary Clinton illness,’ take a look at the videos, for yourself,” which can be interpreted by real human beings (will need to see the receipts if you intend to give that label to Giuliani) as “go online and pore through Trump supporters’ crazy conspiracy theories, for yourself.” Tea Party Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert told conservatives at the Values Voter Summit on Friday he felt bad for shit-talking Clinton because Jesus taught that “you don’t make fun of people who are impaired, have special needs.” What a nice guy, except for the whole minimizing and indirectly making fun of people who actually have special needs or mental health issues thing.

For his own part, Trump has primarily focused on attacking Clinton’s perceived mental health problems, but last month claimed Clinton “lacks the physical and mental stamina” to take on ISIS, following the surfacing of rumors by his supporters about Clinton’s secret health crisis four years after suffering from a blood clot. I can only imagine how he’s going to react to Clinton’s 9/11 episode.

Hillary Clinton Testifies Before House Select Committee On Benghazi Attacks
CREDIT: Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

The only real truth here comes from one security official who told The Guardian that sure, Clinton looked sick and dehydrated, but “these guys work 16 hours every day,” and a health issue now and then makes sense. The one positive takeaway from this complete and utter bullshit is that at least there were fewer 9/11 theories shared on this 15th anniversary than usual, but it’s still gross how some people actually managed to make this one day all about mourning a national tragedy about one woman falling under the weather.