Azaelia Banks is selling some very weird shit online right now
When you think “celebrity lifestyle brands,” there are a few names that spring to mind: Gwyneth Paltrow, Blake Lively, and now, Azaelia Banks. Well, sort of. Banks has ditched Twitter beefs for the lucrative world of celeb-affiliated shopping experiences, aka, selling bizarre stuff on the Internet, Banks-style. Instead of setting up “a fully formed lifestyle site, offering a tight curation of products and content” (that’s how Paltrow describes GOOP), Banks is clearing out her closet on the online platform Depop, which is basically hip eBay.
Her Facebook page describes this mass clear out as both a mental and physical decluttering. “One day I woke up and decided I wanted to change,” she wrote on September 5. “I took a look around at my surroundings and realized that similar to my emotional tendencies, I was holding on to so many things that I had no use for. Clothes I could no longer fit, pieces of unfinished business ideas, etc.”
That “etc.” at the end there is doing a lot of work. Entire worlds are contained in that “etc.” Her Depop page Cheapy Kunt is full of clothes, accessories, household items, and…wait, are those Pop-Rocks? And what’s with all the candles?
When you scroll down, it soon becomes apparent that Banks has a whole bunch of Santeria and Afro-Latin religious gear. That’s presumably what many of the candles are for, like this lovely blue one of the Virgin Mary/the goddess Yemaya. You can also buy folk magic items such as this bar of imported Peruvian soap, which claims to cleanse bad luck from your life, or frankincense (that’s what the Pop-Rock things are).
Seriously. So many candles.
This isn’t the weird stuff, BTW. Unexpected, sure, but these beliefs are of great cultural and spiritual importance to a lot of people. The weird stuff is less spiritual and more very, very inexplicable. Anyone want a single glow-in-the-dark contact lens?
Only $15 for something that’s almost definitely been in another person’s eye! Or how about a pair of rubber ear points? Perfect for your next low-budget cosplay.
I love how the product description includes the term “Prosthetic,” in case you were worried that she might have mutilated an elf. More highbrow fans might be interested in this copy of Charles Murray’s history text American Exceptionalism, because why the hell not.
And finally, the pièce de résistance: a $5,000 “negro girl doll” that a) looks super racist and b) is so precious to Banks that it’s not for sale. As to why an item that isn’t for sale is listed and priced on a sales page, only God and Banks know the answer to that one.
WHY. WHY DO YOU HAVE THIS?!
So if anyone out there is in the market for a lot of Santeria candles, finishing touches on a bad Spock costume, or a book that you probably had to read in college and then sold back as soon as possible, hit up Banks’ Depop. Maybe it’ll get you a little bit closer to figuring out just what on Earth her deal is.