Gisele Bündchen Will Apparently Be Fake Assaulted In Rio’s Opening Ceremony

The Olympics opening ceremony is usually a night featuring elaborate displays of fireworks, grandeur, and temporary global unity surrounding the incredible feats of Olympic athletes, not a night in which model Gisele Bündchen is fake assaulted at the Olympics in an extremely bizarre segment that is intended to somehow illustrate Brazilian history and the slow roll of human progress. Previous reports boasted that Bündchen would be featured in a sexy starring role in the Summer Olympic opening in Rio de Janeiro, but a report on Brazil’s UOL reveals that she’ll star in an opening skit that not only isn’t sexy, but incites an array of potentially offensive Brazilian stereotypes, from lighter stereotypes like samba to heavy historical travesties such as slavery.

The skit will apparently go down to the sound of the popular song “The Girl From Ipanema,” likely causing ceremony attendees to experience a frightening cognitive dissonance during the horrifying skit that features Bündchen getting robbed while a replica of the historical Santos-Dumont 14-bis plane flies overhead.

What exactly is being said and why? The lack of clarity in the current translation leaves much to the English reader’s imagination, but the overall message is apparently supposed to be one of resilience (against being fake robbed) and the strength and endurance of the human spirit (i.e. the audience sitting through this).

While there may be a time and place in which a simulated robbery would effectively spread a message of human resilience (perhaps alternative theater and not the fucking Olympics), the opening segment feels particularly tone deaf given the very real security issues plaguing the Rio games. Just this week, security was forced to conduct a “contained explosion” at the Maracana Stadium because of the presence of a suspicious package. Luckily, it was just a toolbox, but the security tensions remain a valid issue, as a New Zealand athlete reported that he was kidnapped by local police and the international event could attract terrorist activity.

Perhaps the intention of the opening skit is to make light of such real dangers? Go ahead, have a stab at your own interpretation of the translated UOL report:

“Another curiosity was on account of a passage where Gisele Bündchen, parading to the sound of “The Girl from Ipanema,” will be assailed by an actor. In the end, however, the message of this scene will be peace. The musicality, always exalting Brazilian artists, will soon be seen in the beginning, when Paulinho da Viola will perform the national anthem with voice and guitar.

Following, a dance show with hundreds of artists will recreate the first moments of the history of the country at the Maracana field: the symbols of the first centuries will be present.

Still in the first hour reserved for the performing arts, the flight of a replica of the plane 14 Bis draw the attention of all. Soon after, the course is free for a parade of more than 100 meters from top international Gisele Bündchen. At this time, there will be a simulation of assault and even persecution.”

The opening ceremony is Friday night, so we’ll have to wait and see just how terrifying it really is.