Starbucks Baristas Can Now Wear Fedoras, So Prepare To Feel Extremely Uncomfortable While Getting Your Coffee

Stereotypical internet nerds rejoice: the latest Starbucks barista dress code is here, and for the first time in barista history (baristory?), Starbucks employees are allowed to wear fedoras to work. This updated edition of the “Starbucks Employee Dress Code Lookbook” (I’m not making that title up) is mostly a collection of pleasant neutrals and dark colors, with a few contemporary additions, such as employees being allowed to dye their hair whatever color they want. But when you get to the headwear section, BOOM! Fedoras.

So what’s the big deal about the fedora? Isn’t it just a hat? Oh, poor sweet reader, it’s not just a hat. Not anymore. It’s become a visual shorthand for the self-proclaimed Nice Guy: the guy who leverages his “niceness” as entitlement to women’s affections and bodies and often turns misogynist and threatening when he doesn’t get the attention he thinks he deserves. You know, because basic decency automatically grants you sex.

Wearing a fedora signals niceness and gentlemanly behavior, as well as knowledge of the finer things in life. Such as complaining about the (mythical) friend zone and yellow-fever Asian fetishism. Trust me, these dudes love Asian women, possibly because they’ve confused anime with real life.

Run, sisters. Run fast as though the devil were at your heels, and don’t believe him when he tells you how “nice” he is.

For clarification, I have nothing against the humble fedora per se. It’s a perfectly fine hat when worn with a full suit and tie in the 1950s, the same way a black leather trench coat looks really cool on Keanu Reeves in The Matrix but not over jorts and a “Can’t sleep, clowns will eat me” T-shirt. In the 21st century, a guy wearing a fedora is less likely to be the resurrected Frank Sinatra and more likely to be a clueless douchelord who thinks women should act like anime characters at all times. If a guy is wearing a fedora with a black T-shirt and barista apron, I think I can guess which one he is. I don’t want to be dealing with that when I’m getting coffee.

Then again, what if the new fedora permissions are some kind of test? Like if a guy is a little too eager to don that fedora, maybe the supervisor will know to put him on steamer duty so he can’t harass female customers. Also, customers will be cautioned in advance by the fedora’s presence. Sort of a Nice Guy warning signal, so you can take your Friend-zone-ccino to go — far away from there.