Reince Priebus Wants To Bravely Remind Us That Donald Trump Has A Right To Free Speech

Bearing the name of a recalled mini-van one might find set on fire by arsonists at near a riverbed, the valiant Reince Priebus defended Donald Trump, reminding America that the giant, sentient Furby from hell indeed has a right to free speech. Words cannot sufficiently express how important crucial it was that this man-toad reminded exhausted Americans that the white billionaire threatening to run our country is indeed legally allowed to express his feelings and ideas. Wow, thank you for that very hot take, Reince.

The Republican National Convention chairman Priebus went so far as to directly address Trump’s recent absurd accusations that attempted to link Ted Cruz’s dad with the JFK assassination, reiterating that Trump is allowed to say such things and it was all in jest.

“He’s got a right to talk about whatever he wants to talk about, however, I don’t think he was ever saying this was some sort of factual information,” Priebus said at a press conference before the Republican National Convention, likely while internally weeping at what his career is rapidly becoming, “It was something he referred to. He’s talked about it, he’s gotten off from it. As far as I’m concerned, we can move on from it.”

Wait, so Trump can just refer to things as monumental as past presidential assassinations and we’re supposed to shrug it off as passing conversation? This seems to be what Priebus is suggesting.

While Trump originally brought up the outlandish JFK assassination theory back in May the flames of accusation were revived during the RNC on Friday when Trump decided to remind the crowd of Rafael Cruz’ theoretical association with Harvey Lee Oswald. The revival of this rumor seemed like an obvious clap-back after Cruz dramatically refused to endorse Trump during his speech on Wednesday, surprising conservatives everywhere while equally pleasing confused liberals.

Of course, the master troll Trump couldn’t have Cruz shitting on his already tainted name without digging up some unverified dirt he made up about Rafael Cruz plotting the JFK assassination with Harvey Lee Oswald. Luckily for the delicate shit-flower Trump, he has a crew of terrified minions ready to defend his name and right to free speech at every turn, this time with Priebus serving as the vessel.

In his final and most glorious defense of Trump’s speculation about Cruz and JFK, Priebus said as detailed in The Examiner:

“I think he mentioned it in passing and everybody glommed onto it and it became a controversy, but I think as far as the overall picture of Donald Trump. I mean, that is one rhetorical issue that you can all debate until the cows come home, but it doesn’t identify the Donald Trump campaign.”

Actually, I would say a political leader’s propensity to pull conspiracy theories out of their ass and act like a virulent and petty teenager says a lot about their potential campaign. But you know, whatever Priebus has to say to sleep at night.