Jennifer Aniston Bashed Tabloids, Telling Them To Stop Speculating About Her Womb

You probably don’t love Jennifer Aniston as much as I do. But here’s the thing: I am comprised of about 45 percent “basic white woman” and for that reason, I have always secretly loved Aniston in private circles. And fuck Rachel, I’m more into loving the woman who got her heart broken by Brad Pitt, with perfect skin, and acid washed jeans in Smart Water commercials. Sue me. And you know what? Anniston finally bashed the tabloids and told us she’s done with all of us, too.

As she damn well should. This woman has had her fill of marriage and pregnancy rumors, and even if you feel inclined to say, “She’s a celebrity, she survives on tabloids,” you’re fucking wrong. I, along with Aniston, would say: “No. She wants no part in it all, never did, never has, and she doesn’t need you to sell moisturizer or her syndicated Friends reruns to pay her rent.”

Because even if you don’t admit to being even half as basic as I am, the collective obsession with Anniston is real-ish enough to sell magazines. She wrote in The Huffington Post (because she’s not on social media) that she’s sick of the press writing about her love life and maternal status. “This past month in particular has illuminated for me how much we define a woman’s value based on her marital and maternal status,” she wrote.

Holler, Jen. She continued, “The sheer amount of resources being spent right now by press trying to simply uncover whether or not I am pregnant … points to the perpetuation of this notion that women are somehow incomplete, unsuccessful, or unhappy if they’re not married with children.”

Because ever since her divorce from Pitt, anyone who reads internet headlines or buys Us Weekly has to admit they’ve been obsessed with the “fragile and wan” woman, as Vanity Fair put it, who was left looking for a mate to scoop her up. It’s almost too bad she didn’t come out as a lesbian later, because she probably would have had an easier with the tabloids, as stupid as that is. Instead, we waited for the straight female to be scooped up by a man and she’s right — it’s pretty fucking gross.

She wrote in her op-ed:

“We are complete with or without a mate, with or without a child. We get to decide for ourselves what is beautiful when it comes to our bodies. That decision is ours and ours alone. Let’s make that decision for ourselves and for the young women in this world who look to us as examples. Let’s make that decision consciously, outside of the tabloid noise. We don’t need to be married or mothers to be complete. We get to determine our own ‘happily ever after’ for ourselves.”

If you say you didn’t read a headline when Aniston married Justin Theroux, then you are a fucking liar. Since she and Pitt split up (and by the way, none of us actually know what happened there), the media has been waiting for Aniston to “find love” and make babies. She found love, now, it seems, so everyone should be fucking happy for her and chill out.

From her piece, it doesn’t sound like babies are coming whether by choice or not and she’s finally given us her word: everyone should leave her alone. And how the fuck would you like it if this was your daily conversation with people? She wrote:

“I resent being made to feel ‘less than’ because my body is changing and/or I had a burger for lunch and was photographed from a weird angle and therefore deemed one of two things: ‘pregnant’ or ‘fat.’ Not to mention the painful awkwardness that comes with being congratulated by friends, coworkers and strangers alike on one’s fictional pregnancy (often a dozen times in a single day).”

What’s gross about some of the coverage of her op-ed is that now she’s being deemed “the childless woman,” like she’s some sort of fucking Jane Austen character we can’t get out of the manor house. Aniston cannot win — either she’s eternally the woman Pitt left for Angelina Jolie, roaming the beaches of Malibu looking for a man to love her, or actually coupled up with a pretty fucking hot dude but wasting away her childbearing years. Just to reiterate her point — she’s an actual human woman who can be fulfilled and happy without a man or a child, and her love life and womb are no one else’s fucking business.

Aniston has finally spoken in her own words, just like it’s 2005 again. Let her sell you moisturizer and stop asking her for babies. How would you like it if everyone asked you when you were getting married and procreating?

Yea, that’s what I thought.