Teens Used Pokemon Go To Commit Armed Robbery And Other Shitty Things About This Dumb Game
I belong to the limited number of people in the world who haven’t yet downloaded Pokémon Go, the new game forcing people to run around IRL places to “catch” various Pokémon… things. Listen, people, I don’t know shit about pikachus or Pokémon, but you’ve all spent the weekend wandering around, catching these motherfuckers, and posting about it on Facebook, so now I have to write about it. It’s also being used for bad, though. Like these teens who allegedly used Pokémon Go to rob a guy in an abandoned parking lot. I don’t know if this game is the kind of distraction America needs right now in these troubled-ass times or if everyone just needs to turn off their damn phones and take a break.
According to the O’Fallon, Missouri Police Department, four teens allegedly committed over ten armed robberies using the app. They’re luring people to Pokéstops (I can’t even believe I just typed that word), and then holding them at gunpoint and taking their shit. So, I hope you’re all happy.
In Missouri, police have reported that “no other Pokémon Go-related crimes have been reported in the area,” which you have to say in your best fake newscaster voice, because that sounds like a sad, sad joke.
Pokémon Go has already caused other problems. Apparently, some people are so distracted staring into their screens they are falling off their skateboards and twisting their ankles walking off curbs.
One teen found a dead body in Riverton, Wyoming while wandering towards a river off of the highway. “I probably would have never went down there if it weren’t for this game,” Wiggins told local news affiliate KCY13. “But in a way, I’m thankful. I feel like I helped find his body. He could have been there for days.” There’s a morbid “that’s what she said” joke in there that I cannot even bring myself to make because all I can think about while watching people stare at their phones — zombie-like — is that they are catching fake Pokémon creatures.
People are, of course, also using it to hookup. This Craigslist ad from Chicago says, “Looking for a quick hookup tonight while im out playing pokemon go. not looking to leave riverside, so if you can travel that would be great. if you’re interested maybe we can arrange something.” I don’t know what’s worse — hooking up while playing Pokémon Go or hooking up with someone who posted a Craigslist ad about hooking up while playing Pokémon Go.
Maybe I’m just too old for this shit. In any case, be careful out there, you idiots.