There’s Actually A Historic Reason Ancient Statues Have Teeny Tiny Penises

Admit it: everyone has wandered around a museum or Italy or something and wondered why ancient statues have such tiny penises. They are so itty bitty, and even if they’re flaccid, they’re still really small. According to New York Magazine’s The Cut, there’s a super simple answer for all of this. Just like the standard of beauty for women is different now than it was centuries ago, the same goes for ancient men’s junk. In Greek and Roman times, large penises were seen as a sign of foolishness and debauchery, while men with small penises were thought to be wiser and more rational and all of that.

In fact, there are lots of ancient statues with enormous cocks, but they’re all depictions of satyrs and “lustful” characters. This makes so much sense, because if Michelangelo’s “David” is supposed to be the ideal man, he needs a few more inches. But if he’s supposed to be cool and rational and everything, it totally works to shave a few off. There are also lots of other theories (probably from art history professors with small penises) that the rooms the models were standing in were cold, or that many of the statues are uncircumcised and the penis is more withdrawn into the body.

But I like the idea that the smaller the weiner, the smarter the man.

I’m just running through my personal tally of men’s junk and their personalities, and it’s a semi-amusing practice. Of course, though, beauty standards are made up by assholes most of the time. It’s entirely probable that a few Greek philosophers had small penises and turned it into, like, a thing. The Greek poet and playwright Aristophanes writes in Clouds:

“If you do these things I tell you, and bend your efforts to them, you will always have a shining breast, a bright skin, big shoulders, a minute tongue, a big rump and a small prick. But if you follow the practices of today, for a start you’ll have a pale skin, small shoulders, a skinny chest, a big tongue, a small rump, a big prick and a long-winded decree.”

What it really shows is that men have always been ridiculously obsessed with the length and girth of their penises. It’s almost silly, because bigger is not always better. In fact, having a huge cock can also be a pain in the ass (or sometimes everywhere) for women. The average penis is smaller than most of the ones we see in porn, clocking in at around five inches, erect, and about three inches flaccid. In that sense, some of those ancient statues have just a little smaller than normal penises.

So maybe it’s better not to laugh at David’s small dick.

Just like women want to be free of body and beauty standards, I think all sex-positive women should start being a little more open about their penis preferences. If you like big penises all the time, good for you. I’d much rather a solid average any day (just not Greek statue teeny).

Tags: art, penises, statue