5 Fucked Up Things To Remember About Hillary Clinton While You Definitely Vote For Her Anyway

I don’t like Hillary Clinton. I, like many, am a little bummed that of all the women in the world, the first ever female Democratic nominee for president is Hillary fucking Clinton. Like, alright, great, yes, it’s clearly good for everyone to see a woman hold that office but dear god, it’s a tough one to get onboard with. It’s even more discouraging that the first female nominee for president has to go up against Republican presumptive nominee Donald Trump. I mean, really? We have to lower ourselves to rhetoric about Mexican border walls and xenophobia just to get into the White House? So be it. In all the excitement about beating Trump, though, there are shady things Clinton has done in the past that we just shouldn’t forget. Of course, I am still going to vote for her and so are you if you aren’t a completely garbage human.

It’s easy to get excited about the rhetoric surrounding sound foreign policy, civil rights for people of color, LGBTQ individuals, women, and immigrants, and all of that really good progressive stuff when she’s standing next to Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren. But Clinton has fucked up big time in the past. Like, Clinton stays fucking up. Most of the scandals surrounding her aren’t terrible per se, but they speak to her general character and place in politics, which also, on some level, make her qualified to be president. In other words, she’s tricky and slippery and just like every other goddamn politician we’ve put in the White House and we should obviously make sure she ends up there even if we hate it every step of the way.

Hillary knows the game, which I really don’t even mean as a compliment. She can be ruthless. She can sacrifice values for a bigger goal. She is pretty undeniably on the side of her own ascension to power, and I mean, on one hand, get yours, girl. On the other hand, *indiscernible anguish over the exquisite death of the American Experiment*.  So yeah, voting for Hillary, at this point, is not an option if you’re a person who plans to vote. But you don’t have to be happy about it. In fact, I’m guessing that Hillary will pull more hate-votes than any other candidate in history, which is kinda badass in a way. God bless an unlikable woman.

But also, she might be the devil.

Anyway, voting for Hillary, for many of us, is like going to the dentist if the dentist decided how many of your teeth to pull based on how much money the companies making the dental pliers were giving her.

Those Goddamn Emails

I’m not trying to go all Fox News and focus on the emails and the correspondence about Benghazi or what time Scandal is on. I don’t believe anything evil was being plotted, but she did have a secret server installed at her home in Chappaqua, New York, and she keeps deleting the “personal” ones. I would bet most politicians do things they shouldn’t be doing with their email, but the lack of transparency and having the gall to pretend like she’s being open about them is a little hard to swallow.

So be it. Vote for her anyway.

Travelgate And Vince Foster Jr.’s Suicide

This is some serious House of Cards type shit. Back when Bill was president, the first of many ethics scandals happened when seven officials in the travel office were randomly fired — thus called Travelgate. It was odd because usually those positions are held for years and years by the same people, and many believed the Clintons were cleaning house for their friends.

There was a lot of speculation about the motives of the firings until a memo surfaced from then-White House chief of staff David Watkins putting then-First Lady Clinton at the very epicenter. Watkins wrote to a colleague, “We both know that there would be hell to pay” if they “failed to take swift and decisive action in conformity with the First Lady’s wishes.” There were numerous ethical investigations that eventually led to no charges against the Clintons, but it was an odd situation all around that consumed headlines in the ’90s.

In the midst of all this, a staffer at the center of the scandal, Vince Foster Jr. became really depressed and killed himself. There are people who actually believe the Clintons killed him because he knew all their secrets about the initial firings and subsequent scrambling. It’s ridiculous, of course, but so is power.

Again, I’m still with her. Goddamnit. 

The Iraq War Vote

There has been so much back and forth about senators voting to invade Iraq in the ~post-9/11 climate~. Clinton has since explained her vote as a practical one, since former President George W. Bush made it sound like it was a good way to finish the weapons inspections, and admitted she was wrong. But it would feel so much better to vote for someone this year who had the hutzpah to stand up to Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld (we can’t blame old Dubya for starting a war in a place he probably still can’t find on a map — wait, actually, we can).

Fine, Clinton. Still voting for your very shady ass.

The Clinton Foundation

So, this isn’t just something Trump throws around to get uneducated people all angry at Clinton — the Clinton Foundation has a lot of problems. Namely, it’s a funnel for a lot of fucking money, and it’s possible there were some trade-offs concerning U.S. foreign policy while Clinton was secretary of state, but that might be a little murky, too.

According to The Wall Street Journal, the foundation wasn’t supposed to take foreign money while she served in office. Nonetheless, the foundation raised sums anywhere from $34 million to $68 million from foreigners during her tenure as secretary of state. One donor was Ukrainian, another Saudi, and although they create no direct conflict of interest, the donors have interests in things like U.S.-Cuba relations, which can put a government official in a weird place. That someone would give millions of dollars to the U.S. secretary of state’s family foundation and not expect something in return is hard to swallow.

Again, no actual rules were broken, but it’s sketchy. Anytime you’re raising money like that, things get hard to trust, which I know because I watch TV. Still, though, she’s got my begrudging fucking vote.

This Fucking Smirk

The amounts of money surrounding the Clintons, the calculated way she’s handled most of her husband’s infidelities (including one rape allegation), and the way she brushes off any criticism of how she conducts business can all be summed up in the Official Hillary Clinton Smirk. Every time she gets a standing ovation, she does this little smile (watch for it, wait for it, that shit is always there) like she knows she’s getting away with something (like taking my vote despite almost everything about her).

And she is. She’s a connected politician with a lot of experience. Mistakes — even if they’re just tightroping that skinny line between unethical and illegal — have been made.

Will she be a good president? Probably, at least by the aggressively low standards we now judge government officials to be qualified for their job. Will it be a lot more of the same shit we’ve seen up until now? Absolutely. But regardless of what kind of fuckery is up that pantsuit sleeve, she’s not Trump. And for better or worse (OK, much worse), that’s literally the only thing that matters in this particular election for this particular office.

(Obligatory reminder that the all-out circus act of unfortunate options that the presidential election has become should be a nice prompt to pay even more attention to local and state elections, which arguably hold even more power in dictating what kind of country we live in. BYE.)