New Zealand Police Find $11 Million Of Cocaine In A Giant Sparkly Horse Head

Sometimes a news story comes along that is so perfect you just have to write about it. This story, about $11 million of cocaine being found in a huge horse head, is one of those. Over the weekend, New Zealand police arrested two men at Auckland International Airport with 35 bricks of cocaine smuggled inside an 881-pound horse head sculpture (another suspect was arrested later). You know, normal crime stuff. The two original suspects were identified as one U.S. and one Mexican national, suggesting that this could be an international sparkly horse head crime ring.

The incident is New Zealand’s largest coke bust in history by a considerable margin. As Detective Sergeant Colin Parmenter said in an official statement, the standard amount of cocaine seized in drug busts is 250 grams, or one-fourth of a single brick. This horse head business bumps that up by a factor of 140. Whether the drugs were meant to be leaving or coming into the country is unclear, although Sergeant Parmenter did say it would be “naive” to dismiss the possibility that they were meant for the New Zealand market.

However, the sergeant’s statement failed to address what is perhaps the most urgent question in this entire affair: WHAT ABOUT THE GIANT SPARKLY HORSE HEAD?!

Granted, my drug smuggling knowledge is not super up to date, but isn’t the idea to put the drugs in something (or someone) inconspicuous so the authorities won’t notice? A huge sparkly horse head sculpture weighing almost 900 pounds is the opposite of inconspicuous. How on earth do you play that cool? “Just carrying this huge diamante-encrusted horse head through the airport like I always do, NBD.”

And how do you even move something that heavy? One of those airport carts probably isn’t going to cut it. You’d need at least a golf cart, which would draw even more attention. Pretty sure the cops are going to notice the guys in the beeping golf cart holding a GIANT SPARKLY HORSE HEAD.

I look forward to the day when art begins to imitate the Sparkly Horse Head Drug Ring, specifically in crime thrillers. Imagine it: a trailer for the latest drug smuggling/corrupt cop/bloody gunfight blockbuster. In a darkened warehouse, two crime lords sit at a table, surrounded by underlings. One pops open a briefcase full of cash; the other nods approvingly. When no reciprocal briefcase of coke is opened, the first crime lord’s crew reaches for their weapons. The second one raises a hand and motions calmly, saying, “Gentlemen. Bring in… Misty.” Five burly henchmen push a giant glittering sculpture of a horse head into the room. THIS SUMMER: Charlie Horse

Okay, that may not be the most logical response to this news story. But what is? It’s a giant sparkly horse head full of drugs. Some things in this world simply defy logic.