A Kellogg’s Cafe Is Coming To Times Square If You Want To Pay $8 For A Bowl Of Cereal

I don’t know who to blame — “foodies” or the people who rent real estate in New York City — but a Kellogg’s Cafe is coming to Times Square, and it’s going to charge upwards of $7.50 for a bowl of fucking corn flakes. No, this is not a joke. This is really happening. For those who have never been to Times Square or the midtown area in Manhattan, this was bound to happen. Listen, I’m not happy about it, but in my heart of hearts, I’m also sort of surprised that this hasn’t been done already. There’s an M&M store in Times Square and Lego and American Girl stores scattered around midtown amidst all of the crap. There’s even a fucking Chobani yogurt shop in SoHo, and a Pepsi restaurant is on the way to the once very underground Meatpacking District.

At this point, Manhattan has become like a fucking nursery school playroom. Candy, yogurt, and toys? All that was missing was some Frosted Flakes at this point. Of course, for an $8 bowl, they’re going to dress it up and make it pretty by topping it with lemon zest and other stupid shit you can Instagram. I have never, ever felt like an old woman more than I do right now thinking about the idea of a fucking cereal bar. It’s almost like we don’t know we are parodying ourselves.

Because are you fucking serious? Is this real life? The only thing that would make it more non-ironically ironic is if they did a Broad City episode about Abbi and Ilana getting stoned and chowing down on a “Berry Au Lait bowl,” which includes Frosted Mini Wheats, ground coffee, and fresh raspberries. There will be a “make your own” part of the menu in case the pre-determined cereal combos don’t strike your fancy.

There will also be ice cream sundaes with cereal (as a former pothead, that actually sounds kind of awesome), like the “You’re Crackling Me Up” with Crackling Oat Bran, dried cranberries, white chocolate, and toasted coconut. Those bowls are a buck more, but they sort of sweeten the whole “oh my god everything is commercialized and sanitized and has a brand name” Larry David-type of panic attack I initially felt about the Kellogg’s Cafe.

The cafe reportedly won’t over do it on the milk when making your order. Anthony Rudolf, the manager of the store, told The New York Times, “I’m not going to mess with your milk. That is such a personal thing.” Yeah, it is.

Cereal is something you eat when you are sad and poor, and you shouldn’t have to wait in the middle of Times Square for it. Good luck, Kellogg’s. This sounds like a fucking disaster.

Tags: cereal, kelloggs