An App Will Send ‘Game Of Thrones’ Spoilers To Your Enemies. Here Are 4 Other Shitty “Gifts” To Send.
Haters make you famous. Haters give you a reason to stand up for your beliefs. Haters give you a reason to hit the send button when you’re feeling 50 shades of rage. Sometimes you’re not in the mood to throw a full-on sucker punch, so you’re in luck. Now, there’s an app that will send Game of Thrones spoilers to whoever you want, anonymously. If that isn’t your style (or you want to add some shade on top of that), there are lots of other passive aggressive things you can send people you despise or just, you know, need to teach a little lesson.
After a successful launch, the glitter industry (sounds lovely, but it’s annoying af) inspired an abundance of options dedicated to putting people in their place on your behalf, and the GoT spoiler app is pretty genius. Got that special someone in your life who chants Peter Dinklage in the shower? If they forgot to take out the trash (ADAM…), spoil their day for just 99 cents with the ending of the episode they were excited about watching later. After each show, the app anonymously sends a quick text recap, and they won’t be able to trace the hate crime back to you. Unless you’re fidgety and awkward around them, and they guess something’s up. Then you’re fucked. And I’m sorry.
Here are some other super shitty things to do the trick. Legal disclaimer: I will not be held responsible for any steaming piles of poo left at your doorstep in retaliation. That might only happen in cartoons, though, so what do I know.
A Package Of Poop
ShitExpress offers “organic, wet horse poop,” which honestly sounds like after hours at Whole Foods. It probably smells as offensive as it sounds, but you gotta do what you gotta do. All it takes is a payment of $16.95 through bitcoin or PayPal, and the lucky winner will never know it’s from you (though, tbh, I’m pretty sure you can shit in a bag for free).
A Bag Of Dicks
Channel your inner Louis C.K. and invite your nemesis to suck a bag of dicks. If I got this cute little bag of phallus-shaped gummy worms, I’d interpret it as a lively invitation to a bachelorette party and snack away. But say you’re not about to get married. Catch that asshole off guard for only $15 a bag and an extra $2 for a glitter bomb when you ~release~ the package (sorry, mom).
I wish I was kidding, but this is a thing. “Make that bitch itch” reads crabrevenge.com, which honestly sounds like a cool video game, but I guess I’m just naïve. Here’s how it works: they send you a vial filled with tiny black crabs. Then, you’ll go to your enemy’s house and drizzle a few specks on their linens or clothes. But listen: I really don’t want you to trespass on someone’s property, because this is a crime, and no matter how badly Sheila broke your heart, I think there’s a better way to resolve this — like raw cookie dough. I just want you to feel comforted knowing this exists. You are not alone in your pain.
There’s something oddly sweet and innocent about a lone potato traveling through the mail dressed in a warm coat of stamps. For just $10, you can send a spud to someone you want to confuse the living shit out of. Leave it plain for a next-level eerie vibe, or write something mean on it like “Your mother dresses you funny.” You say potato, I say “Here’s this lump of starch to demonstrate my wrath.”
Time to turn some enemies into reasons you must now join the witness protection program.