Hillary Clinton And Bernie Sanders Had A Private Meeting Tuesday Night. We All Know What That Means.

Cue up the slow jams, everyone. Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders met in private to talk about “unifying” the Democratic party Tuesday night, and the possibilities of what went on in some generic D.C. hotel suite are endless. Actually, they aren’t endless. They talked about bringing the party together, according to The New York Times, and how the Vermont senator needs to get with the program and just let Clinton claim the nomination so everyone can move on with their fucking lives and get this election over with. I’m just going to say what we’re all thinking: Clinton and Sanders definitely fucked at that private meeting.

According to anonymous sources (because  no one was into kissing and telling about what really happened), the two talked about party platforms like gun control, the minimum wage, and who the hell Clinton has to blow around here to get Sanders’ supporters to get behind her (that’s probably not exactly how she worded it) this summer to take on America’s schoolyard bully, Donald Trump, in the general election.

Earlier this week, Clinton said in an interview with a Pittsburgh radio station that she was ready to hear Sanders’ demands, whatever they may be. “I want to hear what’s on his mind,” she said. Like, “what he wants to see in our general election, in our convention, what he wants to see our Congress do if we get the votes to be able to take action in the future, and how we can work together,” Clinton added. At this point, even I would support Clinton giving away sexual favors in the name of keeping Bernie Bros happy. Whatever it fucking takes to win.

Maybe she cozied up to Sanders, stroked those wispy locks of his, and told him everything was going to be OK. She could take care of this. Actually, no, that doesn’t sound right. Clinton and Sanders do not like each other and reportedly both went into the meeting a little tense. If anything, Clinton strapped it on and grudge-fucked Sanders, to really make it clear what’s up after winning the last primary, in Washington D.C. Tuesday, and stealing his dreams.

Is that disrespectful? Perhaps. But Sanders is sort of acting like a Tinder date who arrived with a hard on and is mad you don’t look like you’re going to put out after two shitty, watered down happy hour margaritas. You can’t leave me like this, he’s basically saying. Yes, Sanders, we can. Just because you showed up to the party and really tried (I mean, he really did better than anyone would have thought and changed a lot about the political discourse), it doesn’t mean you get the prize. It’s time to put your socks back on, zip up, and get the hell out of here.

He still isn’t dropping out of this race before the convention though, or so it seems. Whatever happened between those two in D.C. Tuesday seems to have given him some hope that there’ll be a next time. What will make him leave? Whether it’s a rim job or promises she will likely break once she’s president, let’s just do it. Whatever it takes. It’s for the country, after all.