7 Things You’re Better Off Not Knowing But Should Read Anyway

Although the Internet is a lovely and magical place where you can talk to your friends, buy all the weird shit you want to buy without leaving your house, and find Ryan Gosling memes, it is also a strange and dangerous place. Most of those weird places can be accessed via Reddit. Being able to Google anything you want is great if you’re trying to cheat at a trivia night, but these things you’re better off not knowing from a subreddit are, well, things you probably wish you hadn’t known but now you do and you’ll never forget them.

It’s all because of the link. Links are the equivalent of someone sitting across from you starting to tell you something and then going “oh, nevermind, I don’t want to say anything.” What? Now you have to tell me. That’s the rule of life. There’s no “ahhhh I don’t wanna say anything…” Just like you want to slap someone silly until they spill whatever mean, horrible, snarky ass thing they’re going to say (or like a Game of Thrones spoiler you’ve miraculously missed on Twitter), a link in a subreddit about goat vaginas is hard to resist. See? Now I have to link to it because it’s rude to make you type “goat vaginas” in your web browser. Some sick fuck on Reddit already did it for you and now you know.

There Are At Least 50 Active Serial Killers At Any One Time In The U.S.

And that’s a conservative estimate. That’s way too many.

All The Weeks You Have In Your Lifetime

These are all of them. And you thought regular adult coloring books were sad.

You Are Buried With A Butt Plug

Inserted — not to have just in case.

Do You Know What Cleaning Symbiosis Is? 

Apparently, there are mites on our eyelashes cleaning shit for us all the time. Just, I wish I had approved that.

For Twenty Years The Nuclear Code Was Just “00000000”

So now it’s just eight ones and we’re totally screwed.

Koala Bear Babies Eat Their Mom’s Poop

According to some guy on Reddit, “koala bear babies eat their mother’s green, eucalyptus-y shit directly out of the ass in order to gain the organisms to break it down in their own stomachs, and it’s super gooey and sticky when you watch them eat it.” Don’t do this to yourself.

Back To The Goats

Not the actual animals, but there are hundreds of responses to the goat thread about having sex with goats. Because there are at least that many men in the world who have thought — at the very least — about fucking a goat. This is why we can’t have nice things.

Quite possibly the thing you really might not want to know is what goes on deep, deep (like the butt plug you’ll have in your ass for eternity) in a Reddit forum. Nothing good happens there.