Please Don’t Buy This Brush To “Lick” Your Cat Clean

If you have a pet, you have hair. Piles and piles of hair — fur, really — gathering in corners of your home, settling on top of freshly-baked lasagnas, ticking the eyes of every allergic visitor. Dogs are easy to clean; throw them in the tub and have at it. Cats, however, are more persnickety, resistant to brushing and content to half-heartedly lick their assholes while ignoring the giant hairball forming on their right haunch. If you value your eyes, brushing your cat is hell. Thank god there’s LICKI, a brush that lets you lick your cat clean, as if you were a giant cat yourself, just like you always wanted.

Discovered by BuzzFeed and currently up on Kickstarter, LICKI is a silicone brush in the shape of a cat’s tongue, lined with big bristles that ostensibly simulate the bristles found on an actual cat’s tongue. There’s a “bite” portion on the brush which you “grasp” with your teeth. Once the brush/fake tongue/very bad idea is firmly in your bite, lower your face towards your slumbering bag of fur and bones, and get to licking. “Don’t be surprised if your cat licks you back!” chirps the copy.

Here, look how easy it is! Watch Kelly Ripa use it on an animatronic cat for funsies.

Notice how close her face is to the cat? Notice how close her eyes are to the sharp and murderous claws of a cat? Cat owners, I ask, would you in good faith put your own face this close to your own cat in order to perform a task that you both hate?  I own a cat and I routinely put my human face very close to her cat face because she is a tiny fluff-muffin who deserves the full brunt of my attention but I would never attempt to brush her using a tool that I clutch in my teeth because I value my eyesight and the structural integrity of my face, as is.

Cat ownership is a peculiar joy, only for the strong of spirit and the tough of skin. Unlike dogs, cats are shady beasts, more content to sit on a pile of clean laundry and shed then to run to the front door when you come home from work, ready to sit on your lap and listen to what your boss said that made you mad. Courting the affection of a cat is a fool’s errand; the cat will like you if it likes you and if it doesn’t, content yourself with sharing a home with a tiny wild animal. Brush your cat with a regular cat brush! Don’t use your mouth to hold a brush to brush your cat.

Tags: brushes, cats, licki, nope