Stop Right Now: A Secret Victoria Beckham Hip-Hop Album Exists, & You Need To Hear It
This is the throwback Thursday to end all throwbacks. Some genius dug up a Victoria Beckham hip-hop album that she recorded in 2003 and never wanted released. According to the Mirror, way back before she became a fashion icon, Beckham and producer Damon Dash (of Rockafella and ex-husband of an alleged Becky With The Good Hair fame) tried to record an album together called Come Together. Try is a very important qualifier in this case, because most of the tracks are incomplete, out of tune, and quite frankly, just terrible, even by 2003 standards. You can’t even find one, pop fans, to secretly jam out to. They are so bad.
Somehow the tracks were leaked and auctioned off on the U.K.’s eBay site and whoever had the motivation (or nerve) to post them to YouTube and Soundcloud deserves a Nobel Prize for making sure the classiest Spice Girl would be heard.
It’s being called a “hip-hop” album, probably because at some points she does sort of try to rap (picture a drunk white girl in the back of a cab singing along to Ja Rule. That’s what her “flow” sounds like) and one track features Ol’ Dirty Bastard. But the sound is actually more delicious, early-aught R&B than thug-life. Think: Jennifer Lopez but with a bad producer. The beats are terrible, the hooks never end, and if ever there was definitive proof that Victoria needed to have her mic shut off during Spice Girl concerts, this is it. Alley cats boning on a street corner have more soul.
ODB comes in around the 3-minute mark. You’re welcome.
“He’s My Lover”
Every verse is punctuated by a classic “door slam” noise. Ah, the sounds of 2003.
This is the “hard” version. Is it just me or are we channeling Biggie’s “Sky’s The Limit” and D-Train here in the chorus?
Shall we listen to a few more? Well, of course! What the hell else are you doing today? If you listen to Selena Gomez or Justin Bieber, you can give Posh Spice some love, too. C’man, do it for me.
Otherwise known as the “Elvis song.”
“I’ll Take You There”
If you can make it through the chorus, you should treat yourself to a cookie.
Between the John Lennon riff mixed in with Jay Z’s “Girls Best Friend” hook, this might actually be the most unoriginal piece of garbage you’ve ever heard.
In fact, if you listen to them all and know enough about nineties pop rap, every single beat is recycled. Listen to Beckham’s “Jealous Ones.” Tell me that isn’t J.Lo’s “All I Have.” Sure, hip hop is all about remixing. But you have to do it well. That’s just basic copyright laws (and simple human decency)
I can’t do this anymore and on some level, I now feel horrible for bringing it to your attention. Some things are better left buried and forgotten, like the pictures you hid from your parents of your post-junior prom party where you are drinking cheap beer from a can, up-do and eyeliner still intact.
Let’s just be glad Dash and Beckham had enough sense to call this whole project a wash.