When Is The New Razr Flip Phone Coming Out? Yeah, You Read That Shit Right — It’s (Kinda) Coming Back

In a piece of technology news that feels straight out of 2006, people are besides themselves asking when the Razr phone is coming out. Yes, you read that right, our breaking technology has reached such a creative impasse that new inventions are bringing back the clunky phones of yesteryear. While this might feel nostalgic for people who have stayed updated on the latest slick-screened space phones, for those of us who just barely caught up with smart phones in the last few years, it’s frustrating to know we could’ve kept our clunkers another year and been en vogue.

While we don’t know what the phone will look like exactly, Motorola owners Lenovo boast that their new Razr handset slated to be released next month will “flip back to the Razr days of yesteryear and get ready for the future.” I’m not sure exactly how utilizing a recycled and less sleek phone design is getting anyone ready for the future, barring the fact that it prepares us for years and years of uninspired technological design (really, what can you expect from people in the Bay Area who sustain off Soylent?). Nonetheless, there is a part of me I’m fighting that feels something like nostalgia for this upcoming flip phone? Is this a cellular Stockholm Syndrome I’m experiencing?! Was I trapped with it for so long that now I’m convinced I actually love it?

They obviously know what they’re doing to a certain extent — this Motorola advertisement gave me major hair envy towards the high-schooler wearing the letterman jacket.

Did you see his hair? Did you see the outfit the cool Asian girl was wearing while texting? THEY ARE TRAPPING YOU INTO BUYING THEIR PHONE WITH COOL-LOOKING ACTORS. Stay vigilant against this trap, or you know, fall into it knowingly and embrace the future of recycled flip-phones posing as technological progress.

All I want and need from these phone companies is good reception and a texting and data plan that doesn’t extract my teeth through my online banking account. Is that so much to ask? (Spoiler: I know it is.) I don’t need commercial actors with shiny hair who look fresh enough at 28 to play 17-year-olds. I don’t need bullshit marketing attempting to manipulate me into feeling nostalgic over a cellphone design (give me a fucking break). I just need a phone that won’t require me to update it every year, and will magically last through the 8,000 times I’ll inevitably drop it in puddles after a night out. But alas, that shit won’t make Motorola more money, so here we are eating this shit-sandwich of recycled Razrs. Is everyone happy now?