Michelle Branch Sings Ted Cruz A Beautiful Farewell Song On ‘Full Frontal’ With Samantha Bee

In a beautiful bit of synergy, two of my favorite women have come together to “celebrate” one of my least favorite men. On last night’s episode of Full Frontal With Samantha Bee, special guest Michelle Branch sang “Goodbye Ted Cruz”, a beautiful serenade in honor of Ted Cruz dropping out of the Presidential race a mere week ago.

Let’s be real, Samantha Bee slays every Monday night as the only female host on late night, and last night was no exception.  In honor of Ted Cruz’s departure, Bee invited fellow woman and soft-pop icon Michelle Branch to sing a beautiful, brilliant send-off to the tune of her 2000 hit “Goodbye To You.”

Is there anything better than a musical parody? It’s one of my favorite forms of comedy. It can be a parody of a specific song a la Weird Al Yankovic’s “Eat It”, or a parody of the overall structure, style, and concept of popular music, like what Amy Schumer did with “Closer To You.” Either way, I’m in.

It’s a flawless combination of nostalgia and current events that will equally appeal to your early 2000’s self as well as the present day you that is happy to see Cruz go.

It’s so smart. The first lyric of Branch’s “Goodbye To You” is

“Of all the things I believed in…”

and here she adjusts it to

“Of all the things you believed in…”

It’s that slight, careful attention to detail that makes this segment and all of Bee’s segments so, so good. My favorite line has to be, “Elbowed your wife, and your dad killed JFK…” 

This is the advantage of having a weekly show instead of nightly. John Oliver is able to do the same thing: be brutally meticulous. The results are therefore unparalleled.

Here’s the original “Goodbye To You” video for reference.

Pretty spot on if you ask me. The Full Frontal team has blessed us by having all of the lyrics displayed in the description section of the YouTube vid. I’ve one-upped this by posting them all right here. Enjoy!

Of all the things you believed in

We just wanted to get it over with
Nothing behind your eyes
And you made us cry
Counting the ways that you would lie.

You’d been sliding deep down in the polls.
A hundred cans of Chunky Soup fillin’ up your bowl.
Looks like your campaign has come to an end
When Carly is your only friend, and I say,

Goodbye Ted Cruz
Goodbye, we always knew you would lose
You were the one we loathed,
The campaign no one tried to hold on to.

You were so easy to despise
And it seems like we can’t do a show without you.
Elbowed your wife,
And your dad killed JFK,
And you’re the Zodiac Killer at night…I know I’m right.

Goodbye Ted Cruz
Won’t miss your lizard face on the news
You were the one we loathed
The campaign no one tried to hold on to.

I want to punch you and ignore you at the same time
You think that bathroom use should be a crime.
Please let me hear you say it one last time!
(Ted Cruz: “Why am I persecuted?”)

Goodbye Ted Cruz
You covered everything with your ooze
You were the one we loathed
The campaign no one tried to hold on to

Goodbye Ted Cruz
Goodbye, you creepy soup-hoarding ghoul
You’re Heidi’s problem now
The campaign no on tried to hold on to
The campaign no one tried to hold on to

After the darkness always comes the dawn
Also Kasich’s gone.

I don’t know about you, but I’m changing over to Michelle Branch radio on Spotify right now, and I’ll most likely leave it there for the rest of the day.