China Banned Live-Streams Of Banana-Eating, But There Are Plenty Of Other Erotic Foods

Sometimes news stories are so absurd you have to blink to ensure they’re real. Well, blink, because China just banned live-streaming of banana-eating. Yes, you read that correctly. Those potassium-filled fruits that work so well as a snack-on-the-go are now banned from the webcams of millions of people in China. Why, you may ask? Because their implicitly phallic and sexual nature was making for some pretty erotic live-streams. If potentially erotic food-related content is the issue, why not ban cucumbers, strawberries, carrots, and ice cream cones too? There are countless phallic fruits and vegetables out there waiting to be utilized.

This new regulation was released by the country’s Ministry of Culture alongside a handful of other internet-related rules that aim to slow down the growing popularity of using webcams for sexual purposes. Besides enjoying a nice banana, Chinese citizens are also barred from live-streaming themselves wearing stockings or suspenders for similar reasons of inappropriate “sexual innuendo.” While I’m very aware suspenders can be implemented in sexy outfits, my default mental image of suspenders involves an old man wearing a stained white t-shirt and ripped jeans.

The live-streaming regulations were largely in response to the growing presence of young women (sadly, often underaged) performing songs, stripteases, and apparently banana-eating online for large male audiences. While the regulations does technically apply to users of all genders, it’s aimed towards the growing presence of popular women webcammers.

Most of the conversation surrounding the new rule is in jest, but it really does make you wonder whether China’s more concerned about sexual activity online in general, or is directly reacting to young women expressing their sexuality online. Are bananas as sexy (and therefore illegal) if eaten by a man non-sexually? What if someone is hosting a purely food-related video blog and they happen to eat some fruit?

If this sudden aversion to bananas was actually about the real issue of underaged women being exploited sexually, it would be one thing, but these new regulations include no moves to actually monitor the safety and consumption of young women’s bodies.

The issue here is about censorship and stripping internet users of their autonomy to be sexy and eat bananas if they choose. What have bananas ever done to the Chinese government? Are they unaware of the equally phallic characteristics of cucumbers, carrots, and zucchini — hell, even baguettes?

Revenge against these regulations will be served, hopefully in the form of a weaponized cucumber.