Oreo Bagels With Oreo Cream Cheese Exist, & I Think I Believe In Destiny Now

I live in New York, which means that anytime I have to leave my house for any reason, I’m guaranteed to walk past a bagel shop (there’s literally one on top of my subway stop; I can’t avoid it), and since everything they say about the superiority of New York bagels is emphatically, desperately true, the struggle to not eat 12 a day is profoundly real. And while I’m not usually interested in a lot of the rando bagel trends, this Oreo bagel with Oreo cream cheese feels like the magnetic north of every primal desire I never knew I had.

Lucky for me and my arteries, the “Oreo Overload” can be found at The Bagel Nook in Freehold, NJ, aka, too fucking far away for me to go for a bagel, even if said bagel is clearly my one true destiny in this otherwise hollow life.

Behold, and stare into the face of that which none of us is good and pure enough to deserve:

I can’t even quite figure out what specifically is going on here — What’s cookie? What’s bagel? What’s cream cheese? Do any of the three even taste different? Does it matter? — I do know that I want to be a part of it. I want it to be a part of me. I want us to be a part of each other, until death do us part (which will be sooner than originally scheduled, if I end up slamming my unsuspecting arteries with as many of these as I’d like to).

Oreo Overload…this was well worth the hour drive

A photo posted by Mark Esser (@marktravels) on

The Bagel Nook isn’t just out here to ruin lives and break hearts with their Oreo bagel. Oh no. They’ve got some other decidedly unholy tricks to fuck up your day in beautiful, beautiful ways:

This barely looks like food, and still, I would swim my bare body across the Hudson to get to it.

Oh hey, remember how Fruity Pebbles was perfection in a bowl when you were a kid? You aren’t ready:

BAEgoalzzz 😱😱😱 (fruity pebbles bagel with birthday cream cheese) | creds: @the_bagel_nook #foodgoalzzz

A photo posted by FoodGoalzzz® (@foodgoalzzz) on

And then there’s this immaculate travesty: a Cap ‘N Crunch bagel with brownie cream cheese, bananas, peanut butter, and chocolate sauce ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.

It’s nice to know that some people are out there doing the Lord’s work (if an Oreo bagel doesn’t count as that, I don’t know what does).