4 Perfect Last-Minute Mother’s Day Gifts That You Still Have Time To Pull Off
Well, here you are, you insufferable little shit: It’s the day before the big (admittedly stupid, overly marketed excuse for a special) day, and you’re here looking for last-minute Mother’s Day gifts. Now, I’m all for waiting until the last minute to do just about everything (uh, it’s called careful planning; the last minute is as good as any other minute as long as things get done), but choosing a Mother’s Day gift is a risky game. And if you show up with a gift card, I swear to god, I hope she hastily tries to broker some kind of adult-adoption to get rid of your ungrateful, thoughtless ass for good.
Alright, I’m done judging you. I’m not actually judging you at all, since I don’t think I’ve ever given a gift that wasn’t procured at the last possible moment. That said, there are certain logistical challenges associated with finding a Mother’s Day gift on the day before Mother’s Day: It’s too late to order anything online, and even if you do find the strength in your soul to walk into a department store right now, the ensuing chaos will stun your brain into an atrophied state wherein you will be incapable of remembering what your mom likes, or what size she is, or what her name is, or what your name is (department stores before major gift holidays are fucking terrifying).
Basically, trying to figure out a Mother’s Day gift at the last minute is a genuinely stressful situation, and a stressed brain is not exactly primed for creative and innovative problem solving, which is exactly what you need right now.
Don’t worry, you undeserving monster: We’ve got you covered. Go with one or more of the following last-minute Mother’s Day plans and the actual woman who gave you life will never know how little you truly give a shit.
Alright, so sometimes the most “creative and innovative” solutions to problems are, in fact, the most basic and obvious. No matter what else you gift your mother with this Mother’s Day, you damn well better make sure she ends up almost uncomfortably full of food that she neither prepared nor paid for. Pick up some fucking chocolate croissants on the way to her place; cook brunch at your house; make reservations at a restaurant if you’ve got it like that — do whatever you gotta do. Cake, omelets, whatever kind of booze sets her off. Feed your mom.
Your mom has possibly cooked for you a number of times over the course of your life. Or — if we’re speaking to the accurate experience of my own child — she’s at least lovingly ordered a shit-ton of takeout for you over the course of your life. She might have even fed you from her own body, possibly for months or years. Point being, you are only still alive and reading this desperate article because your way-too-good-for-your-ass mother decided to not let you starve, and she kept making that decision every day for years. You owe her some payback nosh.
Booze for now — and for later
OK, so this is cute: Whether you go to your mom’s place for lunch or dinner, or she comes to your place, make sure you have two really nice bottles of…whatever: One to drink during the meal now, and one “to drink together during a special dinner the two of you will have sometime between now and next Mother’s Day.” It’s the kind of pick-up-on-the-way gift that effectively says “I’m excited to get a little day-drunk with you today, but I’m also here for you all year long, Maaawwwm.“
Take her somewhere sentimental (but deceptively easy)
Remember that shitty little place you guys used to go play mini golf? Or the unremarkable ice skating rink where you have so many fun memories together? Or maybe you were into trips to the zoo; I don’t know your life. Basically, the idea here is to pick something that you guys used to do when you were kids and surprise her with a trip there on Mother’s Day. It’ll be sentimental enough to make her feel ~touched~ but also goofy enough (you’re all adults now and you’re doing this anyway!) to avoid feeling tediously drippy. Also, if you can get drunk before/during, I recommend that too. All of these suggestions are going to involve booze, so might as well just settle in, kids.
Pick a Pinterest project to do together to commemorate the day
So, this one really hinges on having the kind of mom who would be psyched to do a DIY project together, but if you do, having you show up with supplies and a game plan will make her glue gun-loving heart burst glittery feelings all over the place. Then you get to spend a few hours together (during which time, you goddamn better be filling this woman with food and booze, lest you forget the standing order of the day) and in the end, get to walk away with some kind of tangible keepsake from the day.
Spoiler: You will have fun. You might roll your eyes at the idea of doing a craft project when you’re cruising Pinterest for ideas, but when it’s all said and done, and you’ve spent some legit-ass quality time with your mom, and you both end up full of snacks, kinda drunk, and satisfied about having accomplished something together, you won’t be sad about this one.