This Dating Website Helps You Meet Someone In Canada To Marry Your Trump-Fearing Ass Safely Over The Border
Now that America has officially descended irretrievably into a swirling hellscape of one dystopian nightmare after another, there’s Maple Match, a new dating website for Americans to meet Canadians, because of course there is. Here we are, staring down the barrel (no waiting period!) of our country being helmed for four years by Donald Trump — a man currently leading a legion of millions of rabid idiots who are in the throes of a violent fear-response to the fact that people with brown skin and/or vaginas can do things like vote, own property, and breathe air — a lot of Americans are looking to make a hasty exit from this vacuum tunnel to hell formerly known as the United States.
Maple Match — which is currently signing people up for a waiting list, which feels not unlike queueing up to board some sort of refugee space craft as more and more of Earth becomes engulfed in rapidly spreading flames behind us — does exactly what you think it does: Gives salvation-seeking Americans a shot at finding their very own Ryan Gosling or Alanis Morrissette to fall in love with…or at least fall in “oh, you don’t have actual scales on your face or a history of abusing puppies? Great, let’s do this” with.
Here’s what the portal to sweet exodus looks like:
Clearly, I signed up. This is not the time to be closing oneself off to options, friends.
I mean, I’m pretty sure you could just specifically look for people in Canada on any regular, non-escape-themed dating website, but like, it’s nice that Maple Match ~gets it~. And by “gets it” I mean “is attempting to capitalize on this specific moment in history from a number of angles” and that’s a particular kind of hustle that I always deeply respect. Way to not let this horrific opportunity slide by, Maple Match. I see you. Now please save me. Tell Sandra Oh my body is ready.