Slurpee-Flavored Donuts Are Now Available At 7-Eleven To Celebrate Shark Week (A Month Early, But Whatever)

Shark Week is a bizarre and glorious time of year where people of the world shrug and loudly yell, “SHARK WEEK!” after every small event despite the fact that most of them have no idea what shark week is. For those who still do feel confused as to what shark week actually is, this is what it is: A beautiful week in June (starting June 26th) when Discovery Channel airs a boatload of footage of sharks (heaven is real), and this year 7-Eleven (the convenience store, not the Beyoncé song) is getting in on the action by releasing a slurpee-flavored donut in honor of Shark Week. Again I say, heaven is real.

What exactly do ambitiously flavored donuts have to do with watching a Great White chase down a hornet?! Maybe there’s no obvious correlation, but the donuts which boast having “Blue Raspberry Slurpee-flavored icing topped with blue sugar crystals to give the donut an ice-like crunch,” are likely to turn any gross-yet-fun-loving human being into a snack-driven creature with shark-like aggression.

Honestly, if I were a shark, I’d feel most honored at the idea of people consuming absurdly delicious and fattening desserts in honor of my ocean-wide struggles. Watching videos of me and my friends mating might make me feel a little exploited, but eating a dozen delicious donuts while marveling at my fish strength? Yes, please.

If you’ve found yourself already slobbering at the disgusting potential contained in a “Slurpee-flavored donut” you’re in luck, because 7-Eleven is already selling the donuts at 99 cents a piece at most U.S. locations! Just looking at the donut sends me into a shark-like fight-or-flight mode. I realize it’s Slurpee-flavored, but why does it have to be neon?! Will I glow after eating this science experiment, or is it just the visual trappings of bright frosting?

HyperFocal: 0
CREDIT: 7-Eleven

Strangely enough, 7-Eleven isn’t the only snack-purveyors ushering shark week with a food dedication: Dunkin Donuts has released Shark Week themed donuts several years in a row, one year designing their donut to resemble a life-presever. (We’re doing powerful stuff with modern science, guys. Proud of us.)

This continuing trend of creating human snacks in honor of Shark Week provokes a few questions in me, the main one being: Will we eventually add raw footage of humans underwater snacking these donuts to the collection of hypnotizing Shark Week highlights?! Will we ever be able to sit back and enjoy the majestic animals in our world without employing it as a tacky marketing scheme for junk food that’s rapidly poisoning us?! Who knows, in the meantime I’ll probably try one of those donuts.