Boaty McBoatface” Is Not Going To Be Named “Boaty McBoatface” Because Democracy Is A Lie

In what is one of the least depressing failures of democracy, it was recently decided that despite the desires of voters the ship “Boaty McBoatface” will instead be named after David Attenborough. For those unaware of the beautiful context leading up to this pinnacle moment, the website for the National Environment Research Council opened the voting polls in order to pick the name for their polar research ship.

As you can imagine, the voting process involved every possible name under the sun with little unification among voters – that is, until the former BBC Radio DJ James Hand instigated the popularity of the name “Boaty McBoatface” as a voting option after tweeting about the potential hilarious headlines it could invoke.

Naturally, what was meant as a joke was immediately embraced by people of the internet who voted the name “Boaty McBoatface” as the winning name for the polar ship. While NERC appreciated people’s involvement in the democratic process, they did the typical totalitarian move and opted to give the boat another name because there were “more suitable names.”

After deliberating for a few days, the looming court of overlords decided to name the polar ship after the British broadcaster and naturalist David Attenborough just days before his 90th birthday. However, in honor of the democratic process and the naming abilities of James Hand, they are naming one of the remotely operated sea vehicles “Boaty McBoatface.”

Shortly after “Boaty McBoatface” reached widespread popularity, James Hand apologized for even making the joke in the first place, which was unnecessary but endearing. He also went so far as to post his approval and appreciation for David Attenborough and the dedication to him.

This whole scenario is likely one of the more adorable obstructions of democracy you’ll hear about during a U.S. election year. The fact that people unified behind “Boaty McBoatface” enough to blow the other names out of the water just speaks to the beauty in the human spirit. However, it’s going to be replaced by any namesake then David Attenborough is an equally delightful option. Anyone with a voice soft and commanding enough to lull you into a feeling of safety and comfort while watching animals fight and mate deserves to have a polar research ship named after them.

The people who fall under that very specific description compose the tiniest kingdom, and David Attenborough is their soothing 90-year-old king.