A Sex-Themed Amusement Park In Brazil Is Set To Open, In Case Your Childhood Needs Ruining

Goodbye, idyllic suburban images, because there’s now a sex theme park opening in Brazil. Anyone who has visited Brazil can tell you that parts of it are already something of a sex theme park, but now at least they’ll be able to charge entry. The park will be named, quite obviously, Erotikaland. Some of my fondest childhood memories are from school field trips to Six Flags Great Adventure. There’s truly no educational reason why a group of 10-year-olds would need to visit a water park-slash-roller coaster paradise, but my little friends and I and our drawstring backpacks each had $20 in cash from our parents and a lot of cotton candy to eat before we rode the new wooden coaster.

Developers have slated plans for a site in a town two hours from Sao Paolo, says the Daily Mail. Get ready for the list of attractions: “vibrating seats, bumper cars shaped like genitalia, a nudist pool and a ‘train of pleasure’ staffed by gogo girls and boys.” Instead of burgers and fries, they’ll have an “aphrodisiac cafe.” There will reportedly be a naked water slide, which I hope to god is made from 99% chlorine and 1% water. Developers are aiming for completion (hehe) by 2018.

“This won’t be a place for nuns, but it’s not like we’re trying to recreate Sodom and Gomorrah. If attendees want to take things to another level, they can go to a nearby motel — which we will operate,” developer Mauro Morata told the Daily Express.

As the NY Times reports, the announcement has set off a local debate over sexuality in Brazil. “We cannot be known as the capital of sex,” Piracicaba City Council member Matheus Erler said. Entrepreneurs are trying to assuage local fears in classic business fashion: with the promise of cash and jobs for locals. Tickets to the park will cost $100 per person. That definitely means you’re in for something good because entrance to Six Flags is only $44.99.

But alas, there are rules even in Erotikaland. Those who get too turned on by the vibrating roller coaster will have to check in to a nearby motel to — operated by park owners — to engage in actual sex. What’s the point of a sexless sex park? Also these people are geniuses. Just putting that out there. Of course there’s a goddamn hotel.

I ask you this: If you’re going to spend a whole lot of money at a theme park, would you rather it be on simulated sex from vibrating chairs… or on an interactive wand from the Wizarding World of Harry Potter? (No, that’s a real question; I honestly don’t know which sounds like more fun.)