Woody Allen Brags About “Saving” His Wife In Lengthy, Creepy & Unncessary New Interview

Auteur and creep Woody Allen’s new movie Cafe Society will premiere at Cannes, making May a banner month for ex-film majors with boners for black and white shots set to Gershwin everywhere. Out of all the things he said to  The Hollywood Reporter’s Stephen Galloway, the fact that Allen thinks he “saved” his wife is possibly the worst.

Letting Allen speak to the press is generally not the best idea. Remember when he referred to his relationship with Soon-Yi Previn as “paternal?” Remember when he wrote a lengthy and frankly horrible response to his daughter Dylan’s accusations of sexual abuse?  Every time the man opens his mouth to say something to defend himself, the stuff that spills out is less than awesome. But, this newest interview is long and winding, covering a whole plethora of topics, from a possible Amazon television show in the works with Miley Cyrus to his stubborn adherence to his Luddite ways.

If you’re still on the fence about Allen, let’s take a closer look at what he had to say about his wife, Soon-Yi. When asked a very simple question that one would imagine any famous person would’ve encountered about their spouse, Allen struggled.

How has your wife, Soon-Yi, changed you?

Oh, well, one of the great experiences of my life has been my wife. She had a very, very difficult upbringing in Korea: She was an orphan on the streets, living out of trash cans and starving as a 6-year-old. And she was picked up and put in an orphanage. And so I’ve been able to really make her life better. I provided her with enormous opportunities, and she has sparked to them. She’s educated herself and has tons of friends and children and got a college degree and went to graduate school, and she has traveled all over with me now. She’s very sophisticated and has been to all the great capitals of Europe. She has just become a different person. So the contributions I’ve made to her life have given me more pleasure than all my films.

The implication that Allen plucked his wife out of a pile of garbage on the streets of Korea and saved her from what was certain to be a life of hardship and eating moldy rice out of a takeout container on the street is so offensive that it deserves no other commentary. It should stand for itself. Galloway, tricky minx, did his best to keep Allen on track.

You’re saying how you changed her. How has she changed you?(Allen pauses.)

Well, she’s given me a lot of pleasure. I adore her, and she’s given me a wonderful life. We’ve been married 20 years. And we were together for a few years before that. And she has given me the great years of my life, personally. She’s a great companion and a great wife. She has given me a stable and wonderful home life and great companionship. I guess whenever you meet somebody and they’re the right person for you, there is a great emotional contribution they make to your life.

But has she changed you in any way?(Pauses.)

Changed me? I don’t know if you could say she changed me. I don’t know if I’ve changed. I might be the same person I was when I was 20. I’m not sure. I mean, I seem to have the same habits, the same work habits, the same phobias, the same enjoyments. I don’t think I have changed much over the years at all. When you mention it, I try and think about the ways [I’ve changed]. I don’t know if I’ve changed much.

Christ. If you don’t have anything nice or substantive to say when being interviewed for publication, I guess don’t say anything at all? It’s also worth noting that Allen doesn’t read anything about himself in the press. “I never, ever, ever read anything about myself,” he said.  “Not my interviews, not stories about me. I never, ever read any criticism of my films. I scrupulously have avoided any self-preoccupation.” Given the tenor of the conversation surrounding Allen in recent years, this seems for the best.

Oh, and if you’re wondering how Woody Allen found out about Miley Cyrus, here’s that heartwarming tale.

I noticed years ago that my kids would be watching Hannah Montana. And I would say: “Who is that girl? She’s got such a good delivery. You know, she snaps those lines off so well. The show is a silly little show, but she’s very good at what she does.” And then she emerged as a singer, and someone showed me a little clip of hers from Saturday Night Live, and I said, “It confirms what I always thought about her: She is very good, she is really a talented girl.” She wanted to take some time off, but she [agreed to do the series] because the role interested her. So I met her right here.

His upcoming Amazon series is an untitled, six-episode long “domestic comedy” starring Elaine May, Miley Cyrus and Allen himself. No word on which of the two leading ladies Allen will make out with on screen, but your guess is as good as ours.