Handshakes Just Aren’t Ted Cruz’s Thing & Here’s Some More Damning Evidence Of This

Just hours before suffering a crushing defeat in Tuesday’s Indiana primary and proceeding to call it quits, Texas senator, former Republican presidential candidate, and alleged serial killer Ted Cruz had a fun run-in with an Indiana high school student named Kevin Nichols. (Well, fun for us, that is.) In the beautiful footage embedded for your enjoyment, below, watch as this student quite literally pulls a fast one on Cruz, offering him a handshake, savagely drawing back, and proceeding to call the candidate a “fish monster.” (Frankly, we defy you to look at the side-by-side comparisons of Cruz and an actual fish monster of some sorts and disagree with this accusation.)

The scene is so pitiful that despite my zero sympathy for the ultimate failure of his presidential campaign, I can’t help but feel sorry for the man. This high school student’s latest stunt serves as the nail in the coffin for Cruz’s transformation into full-on meme. Sure, he might already have been dubbed the Zodiac killer and, to fans of the hit show The Office, beloved accountant Kevin Malone. And there’s also that one time he consumed an unidentified substance, most likely a booger, in a live debate, but this… there’s no recovering from this.

Granted, Mr. Nichols had some help from former presidential candidate and, for a brief time, Cruz’s “running-mate,” Carly Fiorina. Cruz and Fiorina engaged in a truly cringe-worthy handshake of some sorts at a rally yesterday, and this “handshake” if you can even call it that has since gone viral (I can’t count how many times it appeared on both my Twitter and Facebook feeds.) Said handshake might have looked more like something between a thumb war and the result of desperately sweaty palms (just ask all the Twitter theorists) than an actual handshake, but at least yesterday Cruz actually managed to catch hold of something.

At any rate, enjoy the the fake-out handshake of the century below:

And, just to haunt your dreams, behold: a portrait of Cruz juxtaposed with that of a sea monster:

And last but not least, the iconic Cruz/Carly handshake clip: