Why The Hell Does This Hairdryer Cost $399?

Beauty is expensive. It’s a luxury afforded to those who have the funds to maintain it, the privileged genetics that make it possible, and the patience to follow through on all the labor involved. There is a massive sliding scale of quality and status attached to every beauty tool imaginable. You can buy lipstick for $1 or you can buy lipstick for $200. While there are noticeable differences in quality when you compare the cheapest and most expensive extremes, most of the middle ground is separated purely by brand-status and successful marketing. This leads me to the latest attempt to disrupt the beauty industry – the new Dyson hairdryer which boasts out-of-this-world innovation at a whopping $400!

I can hear you now, crying into your laptop: “But why in the living fuck would I pay $400 for a hairdryer?!” Luckily for you, Sir James Dyson (yes he was knighted), the gorgeous visionary behind this absurdly overpriced “hair-drying revolution” has an extensive list of reasons and development processes that explain exactly why his new invention is worth a (cheap) month’s worth of rent.

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As the inventor status symbols such as bagless vaccuum cleaners and bladeless fans, Dyson knows a thing or two about going full-method when it comes to manipulating the highest possible dollar value out of a basic appliance.

The developing of the SuperSonic Dyson hairdryer apparently required 103 engineers, 7,000 acoustic tests measuring noise, weight and speed (they HAD to make the dryer silent but efficient), and the styling and tampering of over 1,010 miles of human hair. UM, how the fuck do you measure human hair in miles?

Sir James Dyson even was so involved in this insane process he grew out his own hair:

“Frankly, I’m rather terrified. We had to learn a great deal with the Supersonic, and there have been a lot of firsts on all fronts, including the fact that I had to grow my hair especially for a launch. It hasn’t been this long since my ’60s student days, when I wore flowered shirts and flares.”

Okay, slight tangent here but does anyone else desperately want to know what a young long-haired James Dyson looks like?! I have nearly exhaustedthe Google image search trying to find a photo of the young billionaire with long tangled hair and chest hair peeking through a flowered blouse, but it seems I’ll have to imagine it.

In any case, if the eccentric process of blow-drying miles of hair and kidnapping hundreds of engineers for the development of this hair dryer doesn’t sell you, it apparently has a high-speed 13-blade motor (okay) and it weighs only 350 grams (what the fuck even is a gram).

My main takeaway from this absurdly thorough investment in this hair-dryer is that my life would likely be 1000% better if I paid attention to it 1/3 as much as Sir James Dyson pays attention to the science of voluminous hair.

Do you feel inspired? Do you now feel that it’s worth it to stack those bills and buy a $400 dollar magic hair-taming machine? If so, fucking go for it. If not, a $35 hair dryer from Con Air works just fine.