Team USA’s Official Olympic Uniforms Are Peak Vanilla

Yesterday all the countries competing in the 2016 Olympics revealed their official uniforms and I’m sad to say that the USA Olympic uniforms look like an expensive bowl of melted vanilla ice cream compared to other countries. The task went to Ralph Lauren as per usual, and I can safely say that our Olympic look is very Ralph Lauren, in that it makes our athletes look like they work out exclusively at country clubs and don’t tip service people because they should “go to college.”

The athletes themselves look stunning no matter what, because helloooo, Olympic bodies win fucking medals for their superhuman abilities. But it’s a bummer to see that Ralph Lauren “designed” uniforms that essentially look like anything from their catalog. This was an opportunity for something sexy and aero-dynamic! They could have designed something other than what we currently see here — a uniform that basically doubles as an orientation outfit for a private school sleep-away camp.

Perhaps the disappointment wouldn’t feel as sharp if all the other countries were as equally preppy-business-casual. But, many of the other countries took the opportunity to go full athletic-chic for their uniforms.

Look at how cute and toned Ryan Lochte, Jordan Burroughs, and Hayley Anderson are! Why are they dressed like substitute teachers for a boarding school full of trust fund delinquents?!

Now that you’ve shed a single tear and taken a knee for our athletes who were slighted by vanilla fashion decisions, let’s take a look at fucking South Korea and their Zika-proof (mosquito repellant) uniforms. THEY LOOK LIKE ADORABLE BUT ALSO UNSTOPPABLE SAILORS.


Even if you don’t dig the sailor look, at least they were given the respect of innovative fabrics, yeah?!

Naturally, France kept it on-brand and made the whole ordeal sexy by releasing their uniform through a brief music video set to music by The Shoes which features their team jumping in front of the Eiffel Tower at sunset.

The USA uniforms don’t seem THAT bad until you start looking at what the other countries debuted, at which point it feels like we’re the only kids at the Halloween party who forgot to wear a costume.

Hell, even Sweden got H&M – the bastion of college freshman back to school looks – to design their uniforms and they still got something aesthetically interesting out of the deal.


All I’m saying is we have the resources for Olympic outfits that are at least twice as aerodynamic and stylish. This feels rude and unfair! Thanks, Ralph.