5 Questions I Have About Anna Wintour After Watching Her Promote The New ‘Vogue’ App

Vogue isn’t exactly known for being warm and humorous on social media, so it’s not exactly a shocker that their most recent Instagram video promoting their phone app didn’t blow people out of the water. Featuring what appears to be a half-sedated Anna Wintour (she’s wearing sunglasses so we really can’t tell), the ad displays Wintour sitting as still as a fearful captive as she robotically encourages users to download their app so they can receive Vogue news stories and “have fun.”

Honestly, Anna Wintour has never been on my  radar. She’s not a person I think about often and certainly not someone I expend much worry or empathy towards. But watching her slow-yet-desperate scramble to convey emotion and enthusiasm in this video struck a chord.


What…is happening here? How is this real? I have, at the very minimum, five questions.

1. Is she storing multiple pieces of gum in her mouth?

If you haven’t watched the video, please watch it immediately. Now do you understand where I’m coming from? It’s not that the slow tempo of her voice sounds like it’s coming from a gum-filled mouth so much as it sounds like she’s straining to store something underneath her tongue.


2. Is she emotionally reeling from the demise of the cheetahs she murdered for her jacket?

Seriously though, if she personally murdered and skinned a thriving family of cheetahs to make her high-fashion jacket it would explain a lot.


3. Did she enjoy swimming as a child or was she too worried about getting chlorine in her hair?

Most of our adult complexes and inabilities to emotionally connect are seeded in our formative childhood experiences. If Anna Wintour was never able to fully let go and perform a free-wheeling cannonball in the pool as a little girl, that might explain why her whole face tenses up as she utters the words “have fun.”


4. Did she forget to drink her daily shot of unpaid intern’s blood?

It’s crucial to keep your iron count low and protein up in order to have a good day. There’s a distinct possibility that Anna forgot to take her daily shot of the freshly squeezed blood of her unpaid emotionally abused interns, so her energy might have been lower than usual.


5. Did she perhaps just remember the squadron of child seamstresses who recently escaped her apartment factory?

Keeping your child slaves in order is one of the most exhausting parts of being part of the fashion industry (or really any industry. TBH). It could be that Anna was genuinely excited to promote Vogue’s new app just happened to remember the sound of the 50 children escaping her apartment factory and then was sad about it, maybe.


I truly could go on investigating at least ten more questions I now have about Anna Wintour, but I feel too compelled to download this app now so I can go have the same amount of fun as a squad of sedated mannequins.