Donald Trump Says Hillary Clinton Only Has The “Woman Card,” Would Get 5% Of The Vote If She Were A Man

Self-declared presumptive GOP nominee and human hairball Donald Trump swept last night’s five primary races in the northeast, and in his victory speech, he focused on attacking his likely Democratic opponent, Hillary Clinton, for playing “the woman card.” In fact, Trump bloviated, that’s all the former First Lady, Senator and Secretary of State has got going for her.

“If Hillary Clinton were a man, frankly, I don’t think she’d get 5% of the vote,” Trump said. “The only thing she’s got going is the woman’s card.”


Look, we need look no further than Hillary’s own husband to know how voters would respond to “Hillary Clinton, if she were a man.” Bill and Hillary Clinton are two peas in a pod, and while conservative voters may have roundly hated both of them, they hated Hillary extra extra hard because of her perceived threat to their precious masculinity. And while I believe there are plenty of good reasons to not support Clinton in the primary, there is absolutely a hatred of her amongst certain Democratic voters that is tinged with sexist rage not targeted at similarly corrupt male politicians. Also, only five percent of the vote? Really Donald? You think you’d get 95%?! A landslide that big has never happened in the history of politics. (Actually, it may have, I don’t know and I’m not looking it up, but obviously it’s pretty rare, and if Trump can talk in generalities, so can I!)

Oh and BTW, shoutout to Mary Pat Christie, who got dragged by her little bitch of a husband to last night’s event and could not restrain what looks to be an eyeroll. Secret Hillary supporter right here:

Secondly, what is this “woman card” and why haven’t I received mine in the mail? Trump further explained his comments on the morning show circuit, telling ABC News, “It’s not sexist, it’s true.” Here are some other talking points Trump made this morning, as the TV news once again rewarded his antics with maximum coverage:

In other words, by simply being a woman Hillary Clinton is playing the woman card. There’s no actual substance to Trump’s attack, which actually made it easy for Clinton to seize the term and, well, play it to her advantage:

Deal. Me. In. Nice setup, Trump! Thanks for that.

Another highlight from Trump’s latest victory speech? “I’ll do more for women than Hillary Clinton will ever do,” he stated. He went on to list all his policy positions that benefit women of all races and income brackets — JK, no he didn’t, because Trump has yet to string together a substantive sentence about anything other than describing himself or his poll numbers in grandiose terms or saying “make America great again” or making gross sexual comments about his daughter Ivanka. Remember Ivanka?

In other news, I’m going to go make some inquiries about my missing woman card. I hope I can use it in Mexico, where I plan to hide if Trump wins the presidency and this country officially goes to permanent shit.