6 Reasons Why Melania Trump Is Too Rich To Be Relatable

It’s that time of the election year, where the pandering is non-stop. Every candidate and their squad are doing their best to appear as likable and approachable as possible. In an extensive interview with GQ, Melania Trump does what she can to come across as a likable potential first lady. Upon reading the long piece, I’ve concluded that she is far too rich to be relatable. Here are the 6 reasons why.

The Clintons went to their wedding. 

Not only is this a terribly ironic detail, it gives us a gauge as to what kind of wedding this was. It was back in 2005, back when the newlyweds were mere “private citizens” according to Melania. Julia Ioffe, the author of the GQ piece, was quick to point out the falseness of Melania’s labeling of the couple.

“Just two private citizens getting hitched at the groom’s 126-room Florida palace. He in a tux; she in a $100,000 Dior dress that laborers’ hands had toiled upon for a legendary 550 hours, affixing 1,500 crystals—jewels fit for private citizens like them. A pair of ordinary people, really, uniting in matrimony in the presence of Rudy Giuliani and Kelly Ripa, as Billy Joel serenaded the couple and guests slurped caviar and Cristal in the shadow of a five-foot-tall Grand Marnier wedding cake.”

Private citizens my ass.

She still uses the term “the help.” 

I’m well aware that all celebrities have a great deal of help maintaining their extravagant lifestyles, but the term still rubs me the wrong way. Did she not read the book? Or see the movie? I’m guessing she didn’t. Come to think of it, I have no idea what kind of entertainment Melania Trump enjoys. Regardless, c’mon girl, that term is trite and borderline offensive. Here’s how it appears in the interview:

“Nobody controls me. I travel with my husband when I can,” she says, “when I know that I can go, and I know that my son is okay alone for a few days with the help.”

See what I mean? That’s something Jane Krakowski’s character would say on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, and that character is meant to be an exaggeration of this lifestyle.

She donates to “many, many charities.” 

Yes apparently this is the case, however, in the interview she fails to name any of these charities. Like, not even one. When asked what kind of first lady she’d be, she insists she’d be a Jackie.

She once said she would be “traditional,” like Jackie Kennedy, and on the question of what causes she might support, she has noted she is already involved in “many, many charities.” She elaborated: “Many different charities involving children, involving many different diseases.”

Like what?! She couldn’t muster up a single example for this?

Her son is “not a sweatpants child.” 

Yeah, I’m not sure what that means either. I just have an image of this preppy 10 year old prancing around in dress shirts and it’s a gross image. Here’s the excerpt from the interview in which she describes her young elitist in the making.

“The boy she calls “little Donald” wants one day to be a “businessman and golfer” and, as she told the publication, almost always dresses in suits. “He’s not a sweatpants child,” she’s said.”

He wants to someday be a businessman and golfer? What a stretch.

This Tweet. 

I think that speaks for itself.

That face. 

Although she claims to never have had any surgical work done, the girl puts on a perfectly polished ‘face’ each and every day. Why? Because she can. Here her childhood friend describes Melania’s beauty “techniques.”

Foundation, mascara, blush, lip gloss, all in just the right, subtle amount. “Even in summertime,” she says, “she was always perfect, every day.”

Yeah, so, the technique is having lost of money.

Separate bathrooms. 

According to Melania, this is the key to a healthy marriage. So couples who can only afford a one bedroom situation, should go ahead and file those divorce papers. Also, get this:

“He’s never heard her fart or make doodie, as he once told Howard Stern.”

Hate to be the one to tell you this Trump, and The Reformed Whores will back me up on this, but girls poop too.