20 Of The Craziest Lines From This Bonkers Beyoncé / Prince Fanfic

Every time Beyoncé releases an album now, there’s a groundswell of fan-created art that comes along with it. Jezebel is calling one particular creation “our generations’s Finnegan’s Wake,” but this fanfic is so much more epic than that.

The Lemons,” a story so dense it is being told in multiple parts to prevent us all from collectively dying of laughter at the same time, is a fantastical tale of what happens when Beyoncé stops being polite and starts getting real. Baltimore native Eric Richardson created the blog after posting a series of funny tweets; he’s slicing and dicing the post-Lemonade landscape at Bey’s house, where Jay Z always comes out on the losing end of the conversation. Guest stars Taraji P. Henson, J. Cole, Solange Knowles, Tina Knowles, Prince, Ava DuVernay, and more make guest appearances to round out this insane story.

You should definitely read the whole thing, but here are the top 20 lines that made me cackle out loud.

Bey:  Every time you cheat I’m gonna do this
Jay:  Write an album?
Bey:  Start a movement

Bey: Do you want me to wear her skin
Jay: Don’t
Bey: I could literally pay anyone to bring me her skin. That wasn’t just a poem, Shawn.

Bey:  You’re my favorite man in the world and I want to be the one to kill you

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Jay: Sister-in-law. Mama Tina.
Mama T: Stereotypical Black Man
Solo: Blubberlips McSlutdick

Bey: Baby, take your elevator to your playroom. Mommy will FaceTime you on your IPhone 8 when dinners ready.

Ava: I can actually teleport to any location where black women are having too much fun

Jay: Its Cole
Taraji: From Martin?
Bey: The rapper. The one that looks like he’s from a mural of dead Puerto Rican boys.

Bey: The moment you turn 65, I’m poisoning you right out of my life

Bey: I haven’t been this embarrassed since Ashanti tried to talk to me in public

Ye: You have my favorite sense of humor out of all of the black women I know

Bey: I’m the only black woman you know

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Bey: So, Ava, I want you to direct the video that will play for the second leg of my tour. It’s going to be Jay, my beautiful husband and donor to the greatest womb he’ll ever know, having a nightmare.

Prince: Hey, I need somebody to go to the store and get so-
Taraji: WHY YOU ALIVE
Prince: I could ask your career the same question
Taraji: We can fight. You can die for real.

Prince: Well, I’ll be bidding you ladies adieu. Please remember to keep my name out of your mouths unless the rest of me can join it.

Kim: Ooh, you should hold the swords while we take a selfie lol
Bey: I will hold your daughter while you take a dirt nap

Ye: Can I speak to Ava? I know she’s mad at me about blah blah blah feminism and shit, but I’m looking for DONDA investors, fam

Bey: Its a shame you won’t see the floral arrangements I have planned for your funeral

Ye: People really just need to give Desiigner a chance you know? The future thing is like a cocoon, you know? I’m surprised Lee doesn’t want to give him a spot on Empire. It would be a great look for you guys.

Taraji: Lmao you know Obama is playing Lucious’ long lost father the moment he gets out of office, right? Ain’t nobody thinking about that panda boy.
Ava: Didn’t Lucious talk to Obama in one episode
Taraji: Have you seen anything Lee Daniels was involved with? Making sense isn’t his forte, honey.

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Ava: You not gonna tell them about pretty boy being alive though
Mama T: of course I am. The same thing happened with Eartha Kitt but she died for real a few months ago in a foursome
Ava: My shero. Let me go cop her movie rights. You know she fucked James Dean and Paul Newman at the same damn time?
Mama T: I saw the footage. She demanded that it be played at her real funeral.

Bey: 2. Say I’m overreacting again and I’m buying the E entertainment network and making it into an international spoken word poetry channel

Ye: Lol I love your accent. Well, this is a good time to test out this new Uber helicopter app for non-poors