The Best Ways To Have Sex In Public Without Getting Caught

I’m in no way qualified to write the book on how to have sex in public, but I have successfully done this a whopping TWO times and I didn’t get caught either time, so there’s that. Doing the nasty in public is on a lot of bucket lists, and I totally understand why.

Even if you’ve done every position in the Kama Sutra, your bedroom is such a predictable setting and your walls are still the same old boring color. If your walls could talk, they’d be like “you might wanna take this elsewhere. Spice things up a bit.” Here’s how to successfully have sex in public – and most importantly- not get caught.

Sssshhhhh

This is a no brainer, but a struggle for some. Shut the fuck up. Besides, it adds to the intensity when you’re forced to be quiet, I think. You have to be clever. Let your partner know you like what they’re doing with your body language instead of your words.

via GIPHY

Do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

This is probably not going to be the most romantic sex of your life. A hand on the window a la Titanic might be a nice touch if you’re parked in a car somewhere, but otherwise it’s best to just do the ole in-and-out and then get out of there. Time is of the essence.

Be prepared

Not only in the sense of preventing against pregnancy and STDs, but you must project yourself against the elements. Wear bug spray and suntan lotion if you find your self boinking on a beach or in the woods. I once was fooling around with a fella, and we soon realized that we were on ant hill, home to many, many. many fireants. Oh yeah, take a good look around before you go at it.

Be flexible. Like, literally.

Just as you have to get clever while positioning yourselves in the shower, so you must arranged yourself while against a wall in an alleyway or stuffed in the back of a PT Cruiser or wherever it is you might find yourselves.

Stall

A unisex bathroom stall option is an ideal situation. Aside from a few looks you get when you both come out of the same stall, you’re in the clear as far as someone stumbling in on you. Your local Starbucks restroom is a relatively safe space to sneak in a quickie while taking a break from writing your screenplay and in-between sips of your Mocha Frappuccino.

Wait, is the Mile High Club still a thing?

It must be. My anxiety when I fly seems to be increasing with age, but I’m still determined to join the Club someday. I suppose you have to really prepare for that sort of thing by wearing a skirt and making sure you DON’T have enough underwear for the week.

Technically, there’s really no “right” way to do it, since it’s illegal and all (there’s also no “wrong” way to do it, since it’s sex and all), but the best way to have sex outside is discreetly.